I hate admitting this outloud, but there's this sense of loneliness I've been feeling recently that a friend, school, and work can't seem to fill.
The other night, a male friend came over and hung out. He ended up staying over and sleeping on my twin bed with me. Nothing happened, nor will it ever, but it just made me realized even more how I wished it was someone I had romantic feelings for that was sleeping beside me and not just a friend.
I haven't felt lonely in a very long time, and I don't know why it's hitting me so hard this time around. There's just something about coming home after work or class to an empty, and dark apartment with nothing to really look forward to.
I miss the anticipation and companionship that only someone you like can bring.
Love Always,
LL
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
I (don't) have a dream.
I think I'm going through an early-life crisis.
I was watching a documentary about these boys who were going through intense traning sessions and auditions to be a part of a boy band. All of them were younger than me, but they were so sure of what they wanted to do in life. One of the boys said that he didn't even need a home. He just needed a place to rest his head and a place to practice dancing and singing. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to become something that badly. I watched another documentary about a Korean soccer player who knew that his dream was to play on the Korean team ever since he was 8. He achieved this dream, played impeccably well during the World Cup, and he now plays on Manchester United.
I've read books and articles on following your dream and your passion, but what do you do when you don't have a dream?
Do I just try out anything and everything? But our resources, especially time, is limited...painfully limited.
I know what I don't want to do...is that a good start?
I know that I have a purpose in this world, just like everyone else. I know that I exist for a reason. I know that I will make history, just like everyone else. ( I believe that everyone makes history in one way or another, small or big.)... but I get so impatient whenever I read stories about my classmates or other people my age who are already doing great things for the community.
Sorry for just rambling on and on, but it's coming straight from my heart.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
I was watching a documentary about these boys who were going through intense traning sessions and auditions to be a part of a boy band. All of them were younger than me, but they were so sure of what they wanted to do in life. One of the boys said that he didn't even need a home. He just needed a place to rest his head and a place to practice dancing and singing. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to become something that badly. I watched another documentary about a Korean soccer player who knew that his dream was to play on the Korean team ever since he was 8. He achieved this dream, played impeccably well during the World Cup, and he now plays on Manchester United.
I've read books and articles on following your dream and your passion, but what do you do when you don't have a dream?
Do I just try out anything and everything? But our resources, especially time, is limited...painfully limited.
I know what I don't want to do...is that a good start?
I know that I have a purpose in this world, just like everyone else. I know that I exist for a reason. I know that I will make history, just like everyone else. ( I believe that everyone makes history in one way or another, small or big.)... but I get so impatient whenever I read stories about my classmates or other people my age who are already doing great things for the community.
Sorry for just rambling on and on, but it's coming straight from my heart.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Be Vulnerable
The definition of "vulnerable" is: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.
I'm realizing time and time again how important it is to just be vulnerable in life, especially in learning and in love...I'll hold off on the latter for now.
In learning, it is so important to admit that you don't know, recognize what you don't know, and ask questions till you know. Don't stop till you get enough. Yes, the other person may think that you're stupid, but be vulnerable to that, because that's really the worst thing that can happen. In my short 20 years of life, I've found that most people respect you for your courage to ask questions, rather than looking down on you. What is the best thing that can happen by asking? You gain knowledge and by that you have opened a whole new world!
I'll be perfectly honest. In the beginning of this semester, I was so afraid of being labelled as "dumb" or "ignorant" in my history tutorials that I did not ask any questions or express my opinion. Whenever I did say something, I would obsessively go over what I said and torture myself with "I should have said this, I shouldn't have said that," etc...until I realized that I was only hurting myself. I was building my own obstacles to learning. I decided that it didn't matter what my classmates thought of me because they're not experts either. They may know more about things that I don't, but I sure know a lot about some things that they don't. In the face of experts, you have to remember that no matter how much you know, they're probably one step ahead of you anyway, and they know that, and they have also been in your shoes, so ask away! What I learned in those tutorials after I changed my attitude are priceless.
In your lecture, just put up your hand and ask if you don't get it. Chances are, there is at least one person who doesn't get it either.
I'm realizing time and time again how important it is to just be vulnerable in life, especially in learning and in love...I'll hold off on the latter for now.
In learning, it is so important to admit that you don't know, recognize what you don't know, and ask questions till you know. Don't stop till you get enough. Yes, the other person may think that you're stupid, but be vulnerable to that, because that's really the worst thing that can happen. In my short 20 years of life, I've found that most people respect you for your courage to ask questions, rather than looking down on you. What is the best thing that can happen by asking? You gain knowledge and by that you have opened a whole new world!
I'll be perfectly honest. In the beginning of this semester, I was so afraid of being labelled as "dumb" or "ignorant" in my history tutorials that I did not ask any questions or express my opinion. Whenever I did say something, I would obsessively go over what I said and torture myself with "I should have said this, I shouldn't have said that," etc...until I realized that I was only hurting myself. I was building my own obstacles to learning. I decided that it didn't matter what my classmates thought of me because they're not experts either. They may know more about things that I don't, but I sure know a lot about some things that they don't. In the face of experts, you have to remember that no matter how much you know, they're probably one step ahead of you anyway, and they know that, and they have also been in your shoes, so ask away! What I learned in those tutorials after I changed my attitude are priceless.
In your lecture, just put up your hand and ask if you don't get it. Chances are, there is at least one person who doesn't get it either.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Recap of Winter Semester '09- Men
Where do I even begin?
So much has happened since I came back to school this semester, especially in the men's department.
I had a few crushes, some were more than just crushes ...some were good, some were assholes. No surprises there.
I'm just going to go through the more significant ones this semester. They're not in any specific order.
Mystery Man: Our paths always crossed. It was REALLY bizzare, to say the least. I'd run into him especially after I had changed plans...so what I'm trying to say is, if I had kept my original plans, I would not have run into him. He is so handsome. He dresses really well too. Although we always made intense eye contact whenever we ran into each other, we never ever talked... Even on my last day at residence, the last minute (literally the last minute- I was handing over my keys) we ran into each other, looked into each other's eyes, but never said a word. Something tells me that I'm going to regret not talking to him...
Blush Crush: He made me blush beat red- more red than after I consume massive doses of vodka. That is saying a LOT, because I get one of the most severe cases of Asian blush when I drink. He was so gorgeous that I could not even look at him straight. Whenever he smiled at me, my heart skipped a beat- I know, so corny, but it is true. I couldn't even talk to him properly. The first time we talked (I ran to my room after and wrote every detail of the conversation in my journal) was our last time. He was nowhere to be seen after...then I moved out of residence.
My "Friend": He and I had a thing even in high school. We were "really good friends" but we always were more ...and we knew it. Before I came back to school this semester, we even talked about the possibility of dating. Well, all that turned sour when I drunk dialed him at a club, asked him to come over. He spent the night. We didn't do anything physically (not even a kiss) because I got scared. I told him that we were just friends, and that we couldn't and shouldn't be anything more. I also told him about how I was saving myself till marriage. He couldn't understand. After all, he had slept with a lot of women ever since I could remember. In the morning, he said he was going to repark his car. He never came back. We didn't talk for the next couple of months. He tried to contact me, but I blocked him on MSN and deleted him off my phone so I wouldn't make the fatal mistake of drunk dialing him again. Then one day, I went on Facebook chat, and he messaged me. ARGH! I searched for the "block" function on Facebook chat. No such thing. We talked. I told him exactly how I felt about him just leaving that morning, how much he had hurt me and disrespected me. He said he left because he was so embarassed. No one else has turned him down like that before...apparently. He apologized. We made up. We're "friends" again.
Like you Longtime: I had a HUGE crush on this one in Gr.11. We reconnected over this semester. We would go to mass together then go to the library. One of the things I really want to do with a serious boyfriend is to go to church together. We studied really well together too. My feelings for him flooded back rapidly the moment I saw him walking towards me at the subway station. Then one day, it all stopped. I would text him, he'd text back but nothing beyond that. What did I do wrong?
The Gentleman: Ah... my first gentleman. I still have the champagne corks from the bottles he brought over to my place. He had even brought glasses with him. It was one of the most romantic things that a guy had done for me, so when I was cleaning my room to move out of residence, I couldn't throw them out. Before him, I hadn't dated in a long time. I had some flings here and there when I was travelling, but nothing really close to real dating. Needless to say, things were so awkward in the beginning, and it continued to be a little uncomfortable throughout. No matter how great he was, I just couldn't be myself around him. The walls didn't tumble down. It was nobody's fault that it didn't end up working out. We just didn't connect, that's all. He was a great guy. I look forward to being friends with him.
That's pretty good for four months, huh?
I'm excited for what's in store for me over the summer. :)
With love, faith and hope,
SW
So much has happened since I came back to school this semester, especially in the men's department.
I had a few crushes, some were more than just crushes ...some were good, some were assholes. No surprises there.
I'm just going to go through the more significant ones this semester. They're not in any specific order.
Mystery Man: Our paths always crossed. It was REALLY bizzare, to say the least. I'd run into him especially after I had changed plans...so what I'm trying to say is, if I had kept my original plans, I would not have run into him. He is so handsome. He dresses really well too. Although we always made intense eye contact whenever we ran into each other, we never ever talked... Even on my last day at residence, the last minute (literally the last minute- I was handing over my keys) we ran into each other, looked into each other's eyes, but never said a word. Something tells me that I'm going to regret not talking to him...
Blush Crush: He made me blush beat red- more red than after I consume massive doses of vodka. That is saying a LOT, because I get one of the most severe cases of Asian blush when I drink. He was so gorgeous that I could not even look at him straight. Whenever he smiled at me, my heart skipped a beat- I know, so corny, but it is true. I couldn't even talk to him properly. The first time we talked (I ran to my room after and wrote every detail of the conversation in my journal) was our last time. He was nowhere to be seen after...then I moved out of residence.
My "Friend": He and I had a thing even in high school. We were "really good friends" but we always were more ...and we knew it. Before I came back to school this semester, we even talked about the possibility of dating. Well, all that turned sour when I drunk dialed him at a club, asked him to come over. He spent the night. We didn't do anything physically (not even a kiss) because I got scared. I told him that we were just friends, and that we couldn't and shouldn't be anything more. I also told him about how I was saving myself till marriage. He couldn't understand. After all, he had slept with a lot of women ever since I could remember. In the morning, he said he was going to repark his car. He never came back. We didn't talk for the next couple of months. He tried to contact me, but I blocked him on MSN and deleted him off my phone so I wouldn't make the fatal mistake of drunk dialing him again. Then one day, I went on Facebook chat, and he messaged me. ARGH! I searched for the "block" function on Facebook chat. No such thing. We talked. I told him exactly how I felt about him just leaving that morning, how much he had hurt me and disrespected me. He said he left because he was so embarassed. No one else has turned him down like that before...apparently. He apologized. We made up. We're "friends" again.
Like you Longtime: I had a HUGE crush on this one in Gr.11. We reconnected over this semester. We would go to mass together then go to the library. One of the things I really want to do with a serious boyfriend is to go to church together. We studied really well together too. My feelings for him flooded back rapidly the moment I saw him walking towards me at the subway station. Then one day, it all stopped. I would text him, he'd text back but nothing beyond that. What did I do wrong?
The Gentleman: Ah... my first gentleman. I still have the champagne corks from the bottles he brought over to my place. He had even brought glasses with him. It was one of the most romantic things that a guy had done for me, so when I was cleaning my room to move out of residence, I couldn't throw them out. Before him, I hadn't dated in a long time. I had some flings here and there when I was travelling, but nothing really close to real dating. Needless to say, things were so awkward in the beginning, and it continued to be a little uncomfortable throughout. No matter how great he was, I just couldn't be myself around him. The walls didn't tumble down. It was nobody's fault that it didn't end up working out. We just didn't connect, that's all. He was a great guy. I look forward to being friends with him.
That's pretty good for four months, huh?
I'm excited for what's in store for me over the summer. :)
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Closing our book
My 21st birthday is officially over.
Like every other year, nothing spectacular ever really happens.
This year, my birthday gift to myself was to delete him out of my life, and by life, I mean msn.
This is something I have never been able to do because I've always been desperate for him to be in my life, as much or as little, one way or another. This little computer program has been our main source of communication since the day we met, so yes, it is a significant move on my part.
With everything else considered, this move has been delayed for far too long as many of my friends would agree.
I am going to train myself to not think about him. If he slips in even a little, I will quickly think about something else. A wise friend once told me that keeping your mind off of something does take practice. And I'm going to practice until he doesn't creep in anymore.
No more false hopes. No 3rd chapter. Just no.
Love Always,
LL
Like every other year, nothing spectacular ever really happens.
This year, my birthday gift to myself was to delete him out of my life, and by life, I mean msn.
This is something I have never been able to do because I've always been desperate for him to be in my life, as much or as little, one way or another. This little computer program has been our main source of communication since the day we met, so yes, it is a significant move on my part.
With everything else considered, this move has been delayed for far too long as many of my friends would agree.
I am going to train myself to not think about him. If he slips in even a little, I will quickly think about something else. A wise friend once told me that keeping your mind off of something does take practice. And I'm going to practice until he doesn't creep in anymore.
No more false hopes. No 3rd chapter. Just no.
Love Always,
LL
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
So what's it going to take?
Today, during my first class in summer school, my professor mentioned that having a memory ensures you don't make the same mistake twice. A 3 year old is more prone to accidents than a 5 year old because they would remember what had caused the accident in the first place. I wonder why this lesson is not applicable to relationships.
I've always heard of how people supposedly end up dating the same person over and over again. Same as in, same mannerisms, same personalitites, same problems, same fights, same routine etc. etc. When it comes to love, it seems that memories serve no purpose and lessons are never learned.
I know I'm one phone call, one text message, one glance away from falling back into the hole I don't think I've ever gotten out of. I remember the anger, the hurt, the tears and yet, those bad memories aren't strong enough to make me stop whatever it is that I've been feeling for the past year and a half. Finding out about the other girl, the deceit, the shadiness, and the lies are not even enough to slap me back to reality.
My wise professor also taught me that the most powerful leaders in history are not ruled by emotions, but by logic. So what's it going to take for me to stop letting my emotions overrule my head?
Love Always,
LL
I've always heard of how people supposedly end up dating the same person over and over again. Same as in, same mannerisms, same personalitites, same problems, same fights, same routine etc. etc. When it comes to love, it seems that memories serve no purpose and lessons are never learned.
I know I'm one phone call, one text message, one glance away from falling back into the hole I don't think I've ever gotten out of. I remember the anger, the hurt, the tears and yet, those bad memories aren't strong enough to make me stop whatever it is that I've been feeling for the past year and a half. Finding out about the other girl, the deceit, the shadiness, and the lies are not even enough to slap me back to reality.
My wise professor also taught me that the most powerful leaders in history are not ruled by emotions, but by logic. So what's it going to take for me to stop letting my emotions overrule my head?
Love Always,
LL
Friday, May 8, 2009
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