When a guy is willing to change his lifestyle for you, and he tells you that you're the one who gives him a rush of feelings he hasn't felt in a very long time, and he's willing to find alternatives and solutions to the problems you're facing, and he's a believer of open communication, and he's well-mannered and polite, and he believes that a guy should always pay for dates, and he's always honest with you, and he tells you everyday how he feels about you.
So why am I hesitating?
Why do we always want what we can't have, but when we finally get it, we stop and question it to death.
Love Always,
LL
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Stability
In February of last year, I decided to quit studying Commerce. I was doing really well in the program. I consistently achieved a high average, I was involved in many extracurricular activities as an Executive member, and I connected with a lot of recruiters. I loved meeting them. All these were great, but I was not happy. I was not intellectually stimulated by cash flows, balancing the balance sheets, marketing, finance, organizational behaviour, you name it. I knew that I was set. I knew that I could make a steady income from a 9-5 job upon graduation. However, it meant nothing to me when I was so miserable and when I did not feel like my gifts, talents, skills and intellects were shining their light. Even if you have the most stable job, there will always be an unstable part of your life. That is life. So, why settle for a stable job that does not make you happy, when there will always be some unstability, anyway? Why settle in the first place?
As Christopher McCandless, an American wanderer, once said:
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greather joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Go out there and explore all you can and seize all you want. Be up and about! Keep your fire growing in your heart and go after your passion.
With love, hope and faith,
SW
As Christopher McCandless, an American wanderer, once said:
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greather joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Go out there and explore all you can and seize all you want. Be up and about! Keep your fire growing in your heart and go after your passion.
With love, hope and faith,
SW
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
No more queen
...bed.
I've always slept on a single bed, until last week. I just moved into a fully-furnished bachelor suite in the heart of downtown. Getting a queen size bed was exciting at first- more room to roll around while I sleep, and in the words of LL, more room to lay out my clothes, laptop, etc. However, it's making me really lonely. Every time I lie down to sleep, I can't help but wish that a man who I love and who loves me is lying next to me. Without that man, the bed feels so big and there is just not enough of me to fill my bed or my heart. Of course, I would never say this to a man. I'd seem too "needy." Well, I am. I get lonely. I need and want someone to be with me when I feel so unsettled in almost every aspect of my life.
That got me thinking that I wish I had a cuddling buddy. Not a fuck buddy, but a cuddling buddy. A (cute) man who I can call upon on a night like this to come and cuddle me to sleep. Why not a fuck buddy? Well, I'm a virgin. A hard-core virgin- I have never seen a penis, I have never gone past making out, no man has ever seen me completely naked...I think you get the point. I'm a virgin by choice. I want to save myself for my husband. I want to give him something that no other man on Earth has ever had. I want to give him all of me, with all my vulnerability, my scars, cellulite, but also all of my love that's been waiting for him in order to be most completely expressed. How can I even blog about men when I have no knowledge of men? I guess that's why I'm SW- Still Waiting. I want to write about how hard it can be sometimes (as well as rewarding) to try to keep my virginity in my 20's while dating, how heartbreaking it is when I am dumped because I "wouldn't put out" (which, by the way, has happened too many times), and how even through all that, I'm Still Waiting... I often lose hope of ever finding a man who knows all this about me, but is still willing to be in a relationship with me...who understands and respects that I want to save myself for my husband, or, in the "very least", for someone who I fall head-over-heels in love with. However, I also fear telling a man about the latter option, because I am afraid that he might tell me he loves me & be an incredible boyfriend just so that I'd start to believe him (and knowing me, I would) and fall in love and give myself to him. Haha, am I too pessimistic? I guess that my past experiences with cheating, lying "boyfriends" have made me this way...
Well anyways, until I get married, no more queen bed for me.
I've always slept on a single bed, until last week. I just moved into a fully-furnished bachelor suite in the heart of downtown. Getting a queen size bed was exciting at first- more room to roll around while I sleep, and in the words of LL, more room to lay out my clothes, laptop, etc. However, it's making me really lonely. Every time I lie down to sleep, I can't help but wish that a man who I love and who loves me is lying next to me. Without that man, the bed feels so big and there is just not enough of me to fill my bed or my heart. Of course, I would never say this to a man. I'd seem too "needy." Well, I am. I get lonely. I need and want someone to be with me when I feel so unsettled in almost every aspect of my life.
That got me thinking that I wish I had a cuddling buddy. Not a fuck buddy, but a cuddling buddy. A (cute) man who I can call upon on a night like this to come and cuddle me to sleep. Why not a fuck buddy? Well, I'm a virgin. A hard-core virgin- I have never seen a penis, I have never gone past making out, no man has ever seen me completely naked...I think you get the point. I'm a virgin by choice. I want to save myself for my husband. I want to give him something that no other man on Earth has ever had. I want to give him all of me, with all my vulnerability, my scars, cellulite, but also all of my love that's been waiting for him in order to be most completely expressed. How can I even blog about men when I have no knowledge of men? I guess that's why I'm SW- Still Waiting. I want to write about how hard it can be sometimes (as well as rewarding) to try to keep my virginity in my 20's while dating, how heartbreaking it is when I am dumped because I "wouldn't put out" (which, by the way, has happened too many times), and how even through all that, I'm Still Waiting... I often lose hope of ever finding a man who knows all this about me, but is still willing to be in a relationship with me...who understands and respects that I want to save myself for my husband, or, in the "very least", for someone who I fall head-over-heels in love with. However, I also fear telling a man about the latter option, because I am afraid that he might tell me he loves me & be an incredible boyfriend just so that I'd start to believe him (and knowing me, I would) and fall in love and give myself to him. Haha, am I too pessimistic? I guess that my past experiences with cheating, lying "boyfriends" have made me this way...
Well anyways, until I get married, no more queen bed for me.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Love as a Paradox
How can I move on when I miss him everyday?
Or...
Am I missing him because I haven't moved on?
Love Always,
LL
Or...
Am I missing him because I haven't moved on?
Love Always,
LL
Monday, June 15, 2009
Questions
Why is it that certain people get under your skin and stays there?
Is it because there is a sense of unfinished business? Or is it because you never wanted them out in the first place?
How is it possible that you can think about someone 24/7 when they never have a single thought about you in their day?
When are you ever ready, to move on from your past relationships? Where does that push come from? Is it due to loneliness? fear? Or all of the above?
And how can you move on when you let the person that you thought was perfect for you go? Aren't you suppose to move up the ladder and find someone that's better than the one before? If he was at the top of your ladder, what else is there? Who else is there?
And when do you give up trying to get over someone and just call it a day. Trapped in a bubble of your own making.
Love Always,
LL
Is it because there is a sense of unfinished business? Or is it because you never wanted them out in the first place?
How is it possible that you can think about someone 24/7 when they never have a single thought about you in their day?
When are you ever ready, to move on from your past relationships? Where does that push come from? Is it due to loneliness? fear? Or all of the above?
And how can you move on when you let the person that you thought was perfect for you go? Aren't you suppose to move up the ladder and find someone that's better than the one before? If he was at the top of your ladder, what else is there? Who else is there?
And when do you give up trying to get over someone and just call it a day. Trapped in a bubble of your own making.
Love Always,
LL
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Loneliness
I hate admitting this outloud, but there's this sense of loneliness I've been feeling recently that a friend, school, and work can't seem to fill.
The other night, a male friend came over and hung out. He ended up staying over and sleeping on my twin bed with me. Nothing happened, nor will it ever, but it just made me realized even more how I wished it was someone I had romantic feelings for that was sleeping beside me and not just a friend.
I haven't felt lonely in a very long time, and I don't know why it's hitting me so hard this time around. There's just something about coming home after work or class to an empty, and dark apartment with nothing to really look forward to.
I miss the anticipation and companionship that only someone you like can bring.
Love Always,
LL
The other night, a male friend came over and hung out. He ended up staying over and sleeping on my twin bed with me. Nothing happened, nor will it ever, but it just made me realized even more how I wished it was someone I had romantic feelings for that was sleeping beside me and not just a friend.
I haven't felt lonely in a very long time, and I don't know why it's hitting me so hard this time around. There's just something about coming home after work or class to an empty, and dark apartment with nothing to really look forward to.
I miss the anticipation and companionship that only someone you like can bring.
Love Always,
LL
Friday, May 15, 2009
I (don't) have a dream.
I think I'm going through an early-life crisis.
I was watching a documentary about these boys who were going through intense traning sessions and auditions to be a part of a boy band. All of them were younger than me, but they were so sure of what they wanted to do in life. One of the boys said that he didn't even need a home. He just needed a place to rest his head and a place to practice dancing and singing. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to become something that badly. I watched another documentary about a Korean soccer player who knew that his dream was to play on the Korean team ever since he was 8. He achieved this dream, played impeccably well during the World Cup, and he now plays on Manchester United.
I've read books and articles on following your dream and your passion, but what do you do when you don't have a dream?
Do I just try out anything and everything? But our resources, especially time, is limited...painfully limited.
I know what I don't want to do...is that a good start?
I know that I have a purpose in this world, just like everyone else. I know that I exist for a reason. I know that I will make history, just like everyone else. ( I believe that everyone makes history in one way or another, small or big.)... but I get so impatient whenever I read stories about my classmates or other people my age who are already doing great things for the community.
Sorry for just rambling on and on, but it's coming straight from my heart.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
I was watching a documentary about these boys who were going through intense traning sessions and auditions to be a part of a boy band. All of them were younger than me, but they were so sure of what they wanted to do in life. One of the boys said that he didn't even need a home. He just needed a place to rest his head and a place to practice dancing and singing. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to become something that badly. I watched another documentary about a Korean soccer player who knew that his dream was to play on the Korean team ever since he was 8. He achieved this dream, played impeccably well during the World Cup, and he now plays on Manchester United.
I've read books and articles on following your dream and your passion, but what do you do when you don't have a dream?
Do I just try out anything and everything? But our resources, especially time, is limited...painfully limited.
I know what I don't want to do...is that a good start?
I know that I have a purpose in this world, just like everyone else. I know that I exist for a reason. I know that I will make history, just like everyone else. ( I believe that everyone makes history in one way or another, small or big.)... but I get so impatient whenever I read stories about my classmates or other people my age who are already doing great things for the community.
Sorry for just rambling on and on, but it's coming straight from my heart.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Be Vulnerable
The definition of "vulnerable" is: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.
I'm realizing time and time again how important it is to just be vulnerable in life, especially in learning and in love...I'll hold off on the latter for now.
In learning, it is so important to admit that you don't know, recognize what you don't know, and ask questions till you know. Don't stop till you get enough. Yes, the other person may think that you're stupid, but be vulnerable to that, because that's really the worst thing that can happen. In my short 20 years of life, I've found that most people respect you for your courage to ask questions, rather than looking down on you. What is the best thing that can happen by asking? You gain knowledge and by that you have opened a whole new world!
I'll be perfectly honest. In the beginning of this semester, I was so afraid of being labelled as "dumb" or "ignorant" in my history tutorials that I did not ask any questions or express my opinion. Whenever I did say something, I would obsessively go over what I said and torture myself with "I should have said this, I shouldn't have said that," etc...until I realized that I was only hurting myself. I was building my own obstacles to learning. I decided that it didn't matter what my classmates thought of me because they're not experts either. They may know more about things that I don't, but I sure know a lot about some things that they don't. In the face of experts, you have to remember that no matter how much you know, they're probably one step ahead of you anyway, and they know that, and they have also been in your shoes, so ask away! What I learned in those tutorials after I changed my attitude are priceless.
In your lecture, just put up your hand and ask if you don't get it. Chances are, there is at least one person who doesn't get it either.
I'm realizing time and time again how important it is to just be vulnerable in life, especially in learning and in love...I'll hold off on the latter for now.
In learning, it is so important to admit that you don't know, recognize what you don't know, and ask questions till you know. Don't stop till you get enough. Yes, the other person may think that you're stupid, but be vulnerable to that, because that's really the worst thing that can happen. In my short 20 years of life, I've found that most people respect you for your courage to ask questions, rather than looking down on you. What is the best thing that can happen by asking? You gain knowledge and by that you have opened a whole new world!
I'll be perfectly honest. In the beginning of this semester, I was so afraid of being labelled as "dumb" or "ignorant" in my history tutorials that I did not ask any questions or express my opinion. Whenever I did say something, I would obsessively go over what I said and torture myself with "I should have said this, I shouldn't have said that," etc...until I realized that I was only hurting myself. I was building my own obstacles to learning. I decided that it didn't matter what my classmates thought of me because they're not experts either. They may know more about things that I don't, but I sure know a lot about some things that they don't. In the face of experts, you have to remember that no matter how much you know, they're probably one step ahead of you anyway, and they know that, and they have also been in your shoes, so ask away! What I learned in those tutorials after I changed my attitude are priceless.
In your lecture, just put up your hand and ask if you don't get it. Chances are, there is at least one person who doesn't get it either.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Recap of Winter Semester '09- Men
Where do I even begin?
So much has happened since I came back to school this semester, especially in the men's department.
I had a few crushes, some were more than just crushes ...some were good, some were assholes. No surprises there.
I'm just going to go through the more significant ones this semester. They're not in any specific order.
Mystery Man: Our paths always crossed. It was REALLY bizzare, to say the least. I'd run into him especially after I had changed plans...so what I'm trying to say is, if I had kept my original plans, I would not have run into him. He is so handsome. He dresses really well too. Although we always made intense eye contact whenever we ran into each other, we never ever talked... Even on my last day at residence, the last minute (literally the last minute- I was handing over my keys) we ran into each other, looked into each other's eyes, but never said a word. Something tells me that I'm going to regret not talking to him...
Blush Crush: He made me blush beat red- more red than after I consume massive doses of vodka. That is saying a LOT, because I get one of the most severe cases of Asian blush when I drink. He was so gorgeous that I could not even look at him straight. Whenever he smiled at me, my heart skipped a beat- I know, so corny, but it is true. I couldn't even talk to him properly. The first time we talked (I ran to my room after and wrote every detail of the conversation in my journal) was our last time. He was nowhere to be seen after...then I moved out of residence.
My "Friend": He and I had a thing even in high school. We were "really good friends" but we always were more ...and we knew it. Before I came back to school this semester, we even talked about the possibility of dating. Well, all that turned sour when I drunk dialed him at a club, asked him to come over. He spent the night. We didn't do anything physically (not even a kiss) because I got scared. I told him that we were just friends, and that we couldn't and shouldn't be anything more. I also told him about how I was saving myself till marriage. He couldn't understand. After all, he had slept with a lot of women ever since I could remember. In the morning, he said he was going to repark his car. He never came back. We didn't talk for the next couple of months. He tried to contact me, but I blocked him on MSN and deleted him off my phone so I wouldn't make the fatal mistake of drunk dialing him again. Then one day, I went on Facebook chat, and he messaged me. ARGH! I searched for the "block" function on Facebook chat. No such thing. We talked. I told him exactly how I felt about him just leaving that morning, how much he had hurt me and disrespected me. He said he left because he was so embarassed. No one else has turned him down like that before...apparently. He apologized. We made up. We're "friends" again.
Like you Longtime: I had a HUGE crush on this one in Gr.11. We reconnected over this semester. We would go to mass together then go to the library. One of the things I really want to do with a serious boyfriend is to go to church together. We studied really well together too. My feelings for him flooded back rapidly the moment I saw him walking towards me at the subway station. Then one day, it all stopped. I would text him, he'd text back but nothing beyond that. What did I do wrong?
The Gentleman: Ah... my first gentleman. I still have the champagne corks from the bottles he brought over to my place. He had even brought glasses with him. It was one of the most romantic things that a guy had done for me, so when I was cleaning my room to move out of residence, I couldn't throw them out. Before him, I hadn't dated in a long time. I had some flings here and there when I was travelling, but nothing really close to real dating. Needless to say, things were so awkward in the beginning, and it continued to be a little uncomfortable throughout. No matter how great he was, I just couldn't be myself around him. The walls didn't tumble down. It was nobody's fault that it didn't end up working out. We just didn't connect, that's all. He was a great guy. I look forward to being friends with him.
That's pretty good for four months, huh?
I'm excited for what's in store for me over the summer. :)
With love, faith and hope,
SW
So much has happened since I came back to school this semester, especially in the men's department.
I had a few crushes, some were more than just crushes ...some were good, some were assholes. No surprises there.
I'm just going to go through the more significant ones this semester. They're not in any specific order.
Mystery Man: Our paths always crossed. It was REALLY bizzare, to say the least. I'd run into him especially after I had changed plans...so what I'm trying to say is, if I had kept my original plans, I would not have run into him. He is so handsome. He dresses really well too. Although we always made intense eye contact whenever we ran into each other, we never ever talked... Even on my last day at residence, the last minute (literally the last minute- I was handing over my keys) we ran into each other, looked into each other's eyes, but never said a word. Something tells me that I'm going to regret not talking to him...
Blush Crush: He made me blush beat red- more red than after I consume massive doses of vodka. That is saying a LOT, because I get one of the most severe cases of Asian blush when I drink. He was so gorgeous that I could not even look at him straight. Whenever he smiled at me, my heart skipped a beat- I know, so corny, but it is true. I couldn't even talk to him properly. The first time we talked (I ran to my room after and wrote every detail of the conversation in my journal) was our last time. He was nowhere to be seen after...then I moved out of residence.
My "Friend": He and I had a thing even in high school. We were "really good friends" but we always were more ...and we knew it. Before I came back to school this semester, we even talked about the possibility of dating. Well, all that turned sour when I drunk dialed him at a club, asked him to come over. He spent the night. We didn't do anything physically (not even a kiss) because I got scared. I told him that we were just friends, and that we couldn't and shouldn't be anything more. I also told him about how I was saving myself till marriage. He couldn't understand. After all, he had slept with a lot of women ever since I could remember. In the morning, he said he was going to repark his car. He never came back. We didn't talk for the next couple of months. He tried to contact me, but I blocked him on MSN and deleted him off my phone so I wouldn't make the fatal mistake of drunk dialing him again. Then one day, I went on Facebook chat, and he messaged me. ARGH! I searched for the "block" function on Facebook chat. No such thing. We talked. I told him exactly how I felt about him just leaving that morning, how much he had hurt me and disrespected me. He said he left because he was so embarassed. No one else has turned him down like that before...apparently. He apologized. We made up. We're "friends" again.
Like you Longtime: I had a HUGE crush on this one in Gr.11. We reconnected over this semester. We would go to mass together then go to the library. One of the things I really want to do with a serious boyfriend is to go to church together. We studied really well together too. My feelings for him flooded back rapidly the moment I saw him walking towards me at the subway station. Then one day, it all stopped. I would text him, he'd text back but nothing beyond that. What did I do wrong?
The Gentleman: Ah... my first gentleman. I still have the champagne corks from the bottles he brought over to my place. He had even brought glasses with him. It was one of the most romantic things that a guy had done for me, so when I was cleaning my room to move out of residence, I couldn't throw them out. Before him, I hadn't dated in a long time. I had some flings here and there when I was travelling, but nothing really close to real dating. Needless to say, things were so awkward in the beginning, and it continued to be a little uncomfortable throughout. No matter how great he was, I just couldn't be myself around him. The walls didn't tumble down. It was nobody's fault that it didn't end up working out. We just didn't connect, that's all. He was a great guy. I look forward to being friends with him.
That's pretty good for four months, huh?
I'm excited for what's in store for me over the summer. :)
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Closing our book
My 21st birthday is officially over.
Like every other year, nothing spectacular ever really happens.
This year, my birthday gift to myself was to delete him out of my life, and by life, I mean msn.
This is something I have never been able to do because I've always been desperate for him to be in my life, as much or as little, one way or another. This little computer program has been our main source of communication since the day we met, so yes, it is a significant move on my part.
With everything else considered, this move has been delayed for far too long as many of my friends would agree.
I am going to train myself to not think about him. If he slips in even a little, I will quickly think about something else. A wise friend once told me that keeping your mind off of something does take practice. And I'm going to practice until he doesn't creep in anymore.
No more false hopes. No 3rd chapter. Just no.
Love Always,
LL
Like every other year, nothing spectacular ever really happens.
This year, my birthday gift to myself was to delete him out of my life, and by life, I mean msn.
This is something I have never been able to do because I've always been desperate for him to be in my life, as much or as little, one way or another. This little computer program has been our main source of communication since the day we met, so yes, it is a significant move on my part.
With everything else considered, this move has been delayed for far too long as many of my friends would agree.
I am going to train myself to not think about him. If he slips in even a little, I will quickly think about something else. A wise friend once told me that keeping your mind off of something does take practice. And I'm going to practice until he doesn't creep in anymore.
No more false hopes. No 3rd chapter. Just no.
Love Always,
LL
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
So what's it going to take?
Today, during my first class in summer school, my professor mentioned that having a memory ensures you don't make the same mistake twice. A 3 year old is more prone to accidents than a 5 year old because they would remember what had caused the accident in the first place. I wonder why this lesson is not applicable to relationships.
I've always heard of how people supposedly end up dating the same person over and over again. Same as in, same mannerisms, same personalitites, same problems, same fights, same routine etc. etc. When it comes to love, it seems that memories serve no purpose and lessons are never learned.
I know I'm one phone call, one text message, one glance away from falling back into the hole I don't think I've ever gotten out of. I remember the anger, the hurt, the tears and yet, those bad memories aren't strong enough to make me stop whatever it is that I've been feeling for the past year and a half. Finding out about the other girl, the deceit, the shadiness, and the lies are not even enough to slap me back to reality.
My wise professor also taught me that the most powerful leaders in history are not ruled by emotions, but by logic. So what's it going to take for me to stop letting my emotions overrule my head?
Love Always,
LL
I've always heard of how people supposedly end up dating the same person over and over again. Same as in, same mannerisms, same personalitites, same problems, same fights, same routine etc. etc. When it comes to love, it seems that memories serve no purpose and lessons are never learned.
I know I'm one phone call, one text message, one glance away from falling back into the hole I don't think I've ever gotten out of. I remember the anger, the hurt, the tears and yet, those bad memories aren't strong enough to make me stop whatever it is that I've been feeling for the past year and a half. Finding out about the other girl, the deceit, the shadiness, and the lies are not even enough to slap me back to reality.
My wise professor also taught me that the most powerful leaders in history are not ruled by emotions, but by logic. So what's it going to take for me to stop letting my emotions overrule my head?
Love Always,
LL
Friday, May 8, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Comfort Zone
I've realized in life, how easy it is to get comfortable in school, at work, and in love.
I thought about this during work today. I thought about how I don't look forward to coming to work anymore, how I only stay because I've gotten comfortable with my co-workers around me, how it is so much easier just to stay instead of looking for something outside my comfort zone.
Then I thought about relationships. How most people I've talked to used to tell me that they stay because they're used to being with the other person, because they're comfortable, because they're afraid of being hurt, even when it's obvious that the spark is gone.
Then I thought about my past. I've once stayed with a guy because I was used to the routine. When it comes to comfort, it always goes hand in hand with the feeling of security. I would rather keep that feeling than take a risk of finding out what may, or may not be potentially out there. Then I realized, if you never step out of your comfort zone, you'll never know if something better is going to come along. You will always be stuck with mediocre love.
I know I've stepped out of my comfort zone before. And it has always brought something better along the way. The biggest risk is actually the act of stepping out. And right now, I'm petrified.
Love Always,
LL
I thought about this during work today. I thought about how I don't look forward to coming to work anymore, how I only stay because I've gotten comfortable with my co-workers around me, how it is so much easier just to stay instead of looking for something outside my comfort zone.
Then I thought about relationships. How most people I've talked to used to tell me that they stay because they're used to being with the other person, because they're comfortable, because they're afraid of being hurt, even when it's obvious that the spark is gone.
Then I thought about my past. I've once stayed with a guy because I was used to the routine. When it comes to comfort, it always goes hand in hand with the feeling of security. I would rather keep that feeling than take a risk of finding out what may, or may not be potentially out there. Then I realized, if you never step out of your comfort zone, you'll never know if something better is going to come along. You will always be stuck with mediocre love.
I know I've stepped out of my comfort zone before. And it has always brought something better along the way. The biggest risk is actually the act of stepping out. And right now, I'm petrified.
Love Always,
LL
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
And so, I grew some balls...
I don't know if it's growing balls if I downed a couple shots of gin before I had our 'talk.'
Well, it was more like him talking and me listening to what he had to say. No wait, it was more like him telling me things I already knew from the very beginning and me sitting there letting it all sink in. I knew that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew that he was not ready to commit. These are things I knew and still know. Just like how I know one can never change a man. But yet..I went against all instincts and followed my emotions. My heart has gotten me into trouble one too many times. I guess you can never change a woman either.
I asked myself why? Why did I still get close to him when I had never really gotten over him in the first place? Why did I let myself get comfortable? Why didn't I snip this at the bud when I had the chance? Why did I think...I could actually change his mind about relationships? Why did I think I was the one who he can see himself with? Why did I think I was the exception?
For once, I just want my heart and my brain to agree with each other. What I know does not correlate with how I feel. It never has. I wonder if it ever will. I guess it's true that every girl wants to be the one that can change the guy.
I'm angry with myself for not being smarter. For going against my instincts and...for foreshadowing that this would eventually happen. I wanted to prove myself wrong, I wanted to prove that...maybe happy endings don't just happen on the big screen. Now I don't know what to feel. I tell myself and others that I don't know how to feel, but I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of facing my true feelings about all of this. So if I don't know, I won't have to deal with it. If I don't know, maybe our chapters 1 and 2 might stand a chance for a 3rd chapter. Although my head is telling me it should end now, my heart disagrees. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.
Love Always,
LL
Well, it was more like him talking and me listening to what he had to say. No wait, it was more like him telling me things I already knew from the very beginning and me sitting there letting it all sink in. I knew that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew that he was not ready to commit. These are things I knew and still know. Just like how I know one can never change a man. But yet..I went against all instincts and followed my emotions. My heart has gotten me into trouble one too many times. I guess you can never change a woman either.
I asked myself why? Why did I still get close to him when I had never really gotten over him in the first place? Why did I let myself get comfortable? Why didn't I snip this at the bud when I had the chance? Why did I think...I could actually change his mind about relationships? Why did I think I was the one who he can see himself with? Why did I think I was the exception?
For once, I just want my heart and my brain to agree with each other. What I know does not correlate with how I feel. It never has. I wonder if it ever will. I guess it's true that every girl wants to be the one that can change the guy.
I'm angry with myself for not being smarter. For going against my instincts and...for foreshadowing that this would eventually happen. I wanted to prove myself wrong, I wanted to prove that...maybe happy endings don't just happen on the big screen. Now I don't know what to feel. I tell myself and others that I don't know how to feel, but I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of facing my true feelings about all of this. So if I don't know, I won't have to deal with it. If I don't know, maybe our chapters 1 and 2 might stand a chance for a 3rd chapter. Although my head is telling me it should end now, my heart disagrees. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.
Love Always,
LL
Monday, March 16, 2009
Apparently history DOES repeats itself...
I re-read old msn conversations with SW the other day from a year ago and the funny thing is, we're still discussing the same problems with men a year later.
Same problems, different characters.
Unfortunately for me, I have the same problems with the same character.
2 years ago I had a blog on xanga, and I wrote about my break-up routine:
Staying up till the break of dawn, sleeping till sunset, 'midnight' snacks at 4am, cleaning my room, changing my hair, updating xanga, and watching seasons after seasons of Sex and the City.
That, is my break-up routine.
So here I am, at 4:23 in the morning, updating xanga since the last horrible fight, deli ham eaten at exactly 3:30am and still wide awake. With my Sex-and-the-City-filled-head still unchanged due to my lack of funds, I find myself sitting in a very messy room.And I can't help but think, if I clean this room, then it'd really be over. And I'm going to have to move on no matter how much I scream and shout.
My relationships always seems to go downhill everytime I start watching Sex and the City again. I'm starting to think it's cursed. This time is no different. I was actually a bit hesistant in pressing play, but I proved myself right. I think...? How can something be over when it's never really began in the first place?
I used to want to be like the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, I think everyone who watched the show did. Being in the big city, dressing in labels, meeting men at trendy hotspots. But when I think about it, I don't want to still search for love when I'm in my 30s. When I was still in my teens, being in your 20s seemed like such a big jump. But now that I'm in my early 20s, I still feel like a kid at heart and I don't know when I'll ever feel grown up.
I mean, I'm still talking about the same problems with guys I had when I was 18! When do the problems start changing? Will it ever really change?
I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I suppose that's how I feel right now. All over the place. I'm all over the place because I don't really know how to feel exactly. This has happened to us a year ago, it's not really a break up back then and it's not a break up now, we didn't talk about us back then and we didn't talk about us now, we never got closure back then and we're not getting closure now. I really don't want history to repeat itself but it sure feels like it's heading that way. The only difference is we both tried a little bit harder than before, just not hard enough. I know I should just talk about it with him, but I can't seem to bring myself to. So I do what I do best, I run away. Perhaps I always have the same problems because I never deal with them any differently. I guess it's time for me to grow up a little...
...or at least grow some balls.
Love always,
LL
Same problems, different characters.
Unfortunately for me, I have the same problems with the same character.
2 years ago I had a blog on xanga, and I wrote about my break-up routine:
Staying up till the break of dawn, sleeping till sunset, 'midnight' snacks at 4am, cleaning my room, changing my hair, updating xanga, and watching seasons after seasons of Sex and the City.
That, is my break-up routine.
So here I am, at 4:23 in the morning, updating xanga since the last horrible fight, deli ham eaten at exactly 3:30am and still wide awake. With my Sex-and-the-City-filled-head still unchanged due to my lack of funds, I find myself sitting in a very messy room.And I can't help but think, if I clean this room, then it'd really be over. And I'm going to have to move on no matter how much I scream and shout.
My relationships always seems to go downhill everytime I start watching Sex and the City again. I'm starting to think it's cursed. This time is no different. I was actually a bit hesistant in pressing play, but I proved myself right. I think...? How can something be over when it's never really began in the first place?
I used to want to be like the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, I think everyone who watched the show did. Being in the big city, dressing in labels, meeting men at trendy hotspots. But when I think about it, I don't want to still search for love when I'm in my 30s. When I was still in my teens, being in your 20s seemed like such a big jump. But now that I'm in my early 20s, I still feel like a kid at heart and I don't know when I'll ever feel grown up.
I mean, I'm still talking about the same problems with guys I had when I was 18! When do the problems start changing? Will it ever really change?
I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I suppose that's how I feel right now. All over the place. I'm all over the place because I don't really know how to feel exactly. This has happened to us a year ago, it's not really a break up back then and it's not a break up now, we didn't talk about us back then and we didn't talk about us now, we never got closure back then and we're not getting closure now. I really don't want history to repeat itself but it sure feels like it's heading that way. The only difference is we both tried a little bit harder than before, just not hard enough. I know I should just talk about it with him, but I can't seem to bring myself to. So I do what I do best, I run away. Perhaps I always have the same problems because I never deal with them any differently. I guess it's time for me to grow up a little...
...or at least grow some balls.
Love always,
LL
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Perfectly Imperfect
I get cranky when people wake me up from naps. I am always the first one to finish my meal at the table. I can be completely selfish at times and I can act like a brat. I can be inconsiderate and I can be blunt. I can be a bitch when you annoy me and I can be scary when you offend me. I've hung up on friends when they pissed me off and I've purposely screened calls when I want to be alone. I can be lazy and I can be messy. I spill and I break. I am not a perfectionist and I am not organized. I am not the smartest and I am not the prettiest. I've cheated before and I've broken hearts. My grades are not great and I am scared for the future. My hair gets frizzy and it never stays straight. I always have a tuft here and there. My face is not symmetrical and my teeth are not straight. My skin gets oily and I have blemishes. My lips gets dry and my nail polish is always chipped. My stomach is pudgy and I have cellulite on my thighs. My shoes are always scuffed and my whites are never that white. My socks have holes on them and they are sometimes mismatched. I always manage to have some sort of stain on my clothes. My shirts are always wrinkled and I never iron. No matter how hard I try, I can not carry a cup and walk at the same time without spilling something on myself. I don't have curves and my face turns red when I drink. At certain angles, you can see my double chin. My thighs are too long for my legs and my arms are too long for my body. My wrists are too small for bracelets and my feet are too small for shoes. These are my flaws and I love myself regardless.
But when I start to question, "What is wrong with me?" because of a guy, then something is definitely wrong.
But when I start to question, "What is wrong with me?" because of a guy, then something is definitely wrong.
Love Always,
LL
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Opposite Sexpinions
I had convinced my crush (?) man-interest (?) guy I've sorta been seeing (?) labeless boy to watch He's Just Not That Into You because I wanted his opinion on the movie from a guy's perspective. I didn't ask my guy friends because I've come to realize that a lot of my boys are quite girly in their thinking process. It's not a bad thing, but I wanted a man's man's opinion. Someone with an ego, someone who's had experience, and someone who's not afraid to tell me the truth.
I had told him that the movie makes it seem like there could only be one of two scenarios. Either he's into you or he's not. I asked whether that was true and he said, "No, it's more complicated than that." Whew. So ladies, there's hope after all! Men do have depth! They're not just simple, mindless creatures that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of us! ...Or were they?
We then went onto talking about relationships (not ours, never ours cause God forbids) and he gave me a scenario. "Say a couple were on a break and the girl gets sick. Her guy friend goes over and takes care of her, should she get mad at her boyfriend?"
And I answered, "Logically, no. But as a girl, yes."
He laughed and said, "Good answer."
I then go on to explaining myself, the way I see it is, if a mere friend is willing to go that extra mile to take care of me, a boyfriend should be able to do the same even though we are on a break. He was in awe and said, "Wow, you broke that down micro level. As a guy, we just see it as 'we are on a break' and we have to honour that."
Hmm...maybe they don't have depth all.
But perhaps in an even more micro level, it's not just a matter of opposite sexpinions. Maybe it depends on each individual regardless of gender. Like I said, I have many guy friends with a female state of mind. And sometimes I know I think like a male.
So the lesson for today is: You should always try to be considerate and put yourself in someone else's shoes and it certainly never hurts to think like a guy either. I mean, to us, they may be simple, mindless creatures. But to them, we could be complicated, mindful beings that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of them, and that's always fun to be. :)
Love Always,
LL
I had told him that the movie makes it seem like there could only be one of two scenarios. Either he's into you or he's not. I asked whether that was true and he said, "No, it's more complicated than that." Whew. So ladies, there's hope after all! Men do have depth! They're not just simple, mindless creatures that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of us! ...Or were they?
We then went onto talking about relationships (not ours, never ours cause God forbids) and he gave me a scenario. "Say a couple were on a break and the girl gets sick. Her guy friend goes over and takes care of her, should she get mad at her boyfriend?"
And I answered, "Logically, no. But as a girl, yes."
He laughed and said, "Good answer."
I then go on to explaining myself, the way I see it is, if a mere friend is willing to go that extra mile to take care of me, a boyfriend should be able to do the same even though we are on a break. He was in awe and said, "Wow, you broke that down micro level. As a guy, we just see it as 'we are on a break' and we have to honour that."
Hmm...maybe they don't have depth all.
But perhaps in an even more micro level, it's not just a matter of opposite sexpinions. Maybe it depends on each individual regardless of gender. Like I said, I have many guy friends with a female state of mind. And sometimes I know I think like a male.
So the lesson for today is: You should always try to be considerate and put yourself in someone else's shoes and it certainly never hurts to think like a guy either. I mean, to us, they may be simple, mindless creatures. But to them, we could be complicated, mindful beings that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of them, and that's always fun to be. :)
Love Always,
LL
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Reality Slap
Hmm... I think I'm setting myself up for something that has the potential to break me down. I'm not ready for that again. I'm still licking my wounds from before.
I wonder what my next step should be...
I believe it's time for me to practice some self-control. Maybe get some answers? Maybe have a serious talk?
My heart can't always want what it wants right?
Or maybe I'm just pms-ing.
Love Always,
LL
I wonder what my next step should be...
I believe it's time for me to practice some self-control. Maybe get some answers? Maybe have a serious talk?
My heart can't always want what it wants right?
Or maybe I'm just pms-ing.
Love Always,
LL
Friday, February 13, 2009
Not some decoration on your fucking arm.
After I said good night to LL on MSN, I went to take a quick leak before bed.
Alas, who do I see? My gentleman. You know, just hanging out with his friends on my floor.
I had washed my face (a.k.a. no make up), I was in my PJs and well, ready for bed at 4 a.m. for my 9 a.m. class.
It was still good to see him and I loved that I was totally comfortable with showing him exactly how I look before bed. When he saw me during the day, I was dressed to kill and had full make-up on. He has to know that a girl doesn't and cannot look like that all the time.
He was telling me about some fight that happened with the guys on my floor, blah blah and eventually came back to my room.
He then began to tell me about some problem that he was having as an executive in one of the clubs that he is involved in. Then he stopped himself mid-sentence and implied that it was a topic that is too complicated for me. And I quote "nevermind, it's too complicated." NO, I'm not overreacting, overanalyzing nor am I falsely accusing him. This is the third time that he has brushed off a conversation mid-sentence because he judged that it was either too boring or complicated for me. Another example of this is when we met up after our class and he invited me to come sit in in his class with him since I was done for the day. Then he said, "nevermind. It would be too boring for you." Needless to say, he did not get a goodnight kiss last night. When he leaned in, I turned my cheek.
I am not going to lie, he is a good catch. As much as he is a gentleman, he is also extremely well-read and ridiculously intelligent. So far, we haven't had any intellectual chats, just small, light chats...and he hasn't seen a serious side of me, just the happy & cheerful me. That makes me wonder how he can like me beyond my physical appearance. Does he even like me? Am I just a decoration he wants on his arm to show off? (Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that I'm a hot ass because I'm not. BUT, I know that I'm not ugly either. I present myself well.)
I cannot help but feel inferior, self-conscious and dumb when I'm with him...scared that he'll bring up some topic that I know nothing about. What I'm most irritated about is wondering exactly how long this light chatting thing can go on. I know that he needs someone who can intellectually stimulate him in the areas that he is passionate about. I'm not that girl.
When I was in high school (which is the last time I ever had a "relationship"), this kind of thing didn't matter. We didn't care. But things are different now. I'm in my 20's. I need to learn to adapt.
So, just like any other opposite sexperiences, I have learned a couple lessons:
1. He is not the only man who'll make me feel this way. There're so many subjects and topics that I don't know much about. I cannot allow myself to feel inferior every time I meet a smarter man. I need to read more and develop my own areas of expertise. It doesn't have to be the same as his because every man that I meet will have different interests...so I have to really dig into subjects that I am passionate about...like philanthropy, classical music, religion (especially Christianity), travelling, adventure tourisim, event management, social justice, human rights and health/fitness to name a few. It really wouldn't hurt to skim through some politics either...(*barf* at the thought of reading about politics.)
2. Since I am wishing to be liked just as I am and for WHO I am, not WHAT I look like or WHAT I represent, I need to do the same for the guys that I meet.
Like and respect me just the way I am. I am so imperfect in every way possible, but I'm still lovable.
Don't go changing, try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
If a man told me all or even a part of this and really meant it, I'd give my all to him.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Alas, who do I see? My gentleman. You know, just hanging out with his friends on my floor.
I had washed my face (a.k.a. no make up), I was in my PJs and well, ready for bed at 4 a.m. for my 9 a.m. class.
It was still good to see him and I loved that I was totally comfortable with showing him exactly how I look before bed. When he saw me during the day, I was dressed to kill and had full make-up on. He has to know that a girl doesn't and cannot look like that all the time.
He was telling me about some fight that happened with the guys on my floor, blah blah and eventually came back to my room.
He then began to tell me about some problem that he was having as an executive in one of the clubs that he is involved in. Then he stopped himself mid-sentence and implied that it was a topic that is too complicated for me. And I quote "nevermind, it's too complicated." NO, I'm not overreacting, overanalyzing nor am I falsely accusing him. This is the third time that he has brushed off a conversation mid-sentence because he judged that it was either too boring or complicated for me. Another example of this is when we met up after our class and he invited me to come sit in in his class with him since I was done for the day. Then he said, "nevermind. It would be too boring for you." Needless to say, he did not get a goodnight kiss last night. When he leaned in, I turned my cheek.
I am not going to lie, he is a good catch. As much as he is a gentleman, he is also extremely well-read and ridiculously intelligent. So far, we haven't had any intellectual chats, just small, light chats...and he hasn't seen a serious side of me, just the happy & cheerful me. That makes me wonder how he can like me beyond my physical appearance. Does he even like me? Am I just a decoration he wants on his arm to show off? (Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that I'm a hot ass because I'm not. BUT, I know that I'm not ugly either. I present myself well.)
I cannot help but feel inferior, self-conscious and dumb when I'm with him...scared that he'll bring up some topic that I know nothing about. What I'm most irritated about is wondering exactly how long this light chatting thing can go on. I know that he needs someone who can intellectually stimulate him in the areas that he is passionate about. I'm not that girl.
When I was in high school (which is the last time I ever had a "relationship"), this kind of thing didn't matter. We didn't care. But things are different now. I'm in my 20's. I need to learn to adapt.
So, just like any other opposite sexperiences, I have learned a couple lessons:
1. He is not the only man who'll make me feel this way. There're so many subjects and topics that I don't know much about. I cannot allow myself to feel inferior every time I meet a smarter man. I need to read more and develop my own areas of expertise. It doesn't have to be the same as his because every man that I meet will have different interests...so I have to really dig into subjects that I am passionate about...like philanthropy, classical music, religion (especially Christianity), travelling, adventure tourisim, event management, social justice, human rights and health/fitness to name a few. It really wouldn't hurt to skim through some politics either...(*barf* at the thought of reading about politics.)
2. Since I am wishing to be liked just as I am and for WHO I am, not WHAT I look like or WHAT I represent, I need to do the same for the guys that I meet.
Like and respect me just the way I am. I am so imperfect in every way possible, but I'm still lovable.
Don't go changing, try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
If a man told me all or even a part of this and really meant it, I'd give my all to him.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
25 Fantabulous Facts about SW [Still Waiting]
1. I love muffins. Big, fat, moist, warm muffins. I can never turn them down. Same with kimchi and pizza. I'm actually eating a muffin as I type.
2. My biggest fear is losing my parents and my brother. They're my best friends, my guardian angels, my role models. When I think about how unconditional my parents' love is, I am in awe of just how much God loves me...His love is truly infinite and I feel that through my parents. I strive to be at least 1/1000000 of a woman that my mom is and 1/1000000 of a character that my dad is.
3. I don't have one set style. I tend to wear a LOT of black & white, but what I wear really depends on my mood. Some of my favourite outifts are: jeans, white shirt & white ked's; black dress & heels; jeans, white/black tank top & high-heel boots; long white blouse, leggings & flats; yoga pants & tiny gym shirt. My favourite store is American Apparel.
4. My favourite accessories are scarves and bracelets.
5. If I could choose one thing to do right now, it would be to go on a 4-day Milford Sound hiking trip to New Zealand.
6. I went skydiving (LOVED it), but backed out of bungee jumping.
7. I've moved so many times in my life that I've lost count. I am a vagabond at heart. I love waking up in a new place!
8. One of my favourite SW times is going for a walk while listening to music, drinking green tea and spending hours reading in used book stores.
9. My dream job would entail a LOT of travelling.
10. I love planning/organizing/executing fundraising events. Any events, for that matter.
11. It's hard to get myself to the gym sometimes, but once I'm there, I can easily spend up to three hours or more.
12. I went to a music camp one summer in high school. YES there were bands in the camp, but I was in the ORCHESTRA, so don't even start with the band camp jokes.
13. Contrary to what people think of me when they see how often I go shopping, I spend quite wisely. I've only bought VERY FEW THINGS in my life that were not on sale or clearance. When I buy clothes/accessories/shoes, I pick classic styles that I can wear for years. And I do wear them for years.
14. My weight fluctuated quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I've finally found my perfect weight. I feel extremely comfortable in my own skin and love my body just the way it is. My body does SO much for me and I'm really grateful.
15. There is one thing I know and that is that I know nothing.
16. I love learning new languages. I speak Korea and English fluently. I'm currently learning French and hope to learn Spanish, German, Italian, Japanese and Mandarin.
17. My usual Sundays = church + library.
18. I love my double-eyelid-less authentic Korean eyes. I would NEVER EVER get plastic surgery to change them.
19. I don't want my boyfriend to be so poor that we can't do fun things like go to the movies or go out for dinner occasionally, but I am not a gold digger in any way either. Maybe I'd think differently if I didn't grow up in a comfortable home, but it doesn't really matter to me how rich or how prestigious my man's family is. What matters to me when it comes to his family is his relationship with them. There is no real security in life, and definitely not in money. You can lose everything in a second. Besides, I have everything I need to make my own money, so who cares? Gold digging is for lazy ass losers.
20. I prefer a hand-written card over Tiffany's. I can buy my own jewelry, thank you, but I'd prefer not to write myself a card.
21. When I was about 5, my mom sent me to a ski camp and it traumatized me. I haven't gone skiing since. I can snowboard though.
22. My mom always told me that I'd regret quitting ballet and piano. I do.
23. I have never been to a concert except for classical concerts.
24. I absolutely love things-to-do lists, planners, organizers, post-its, and every other stationery items.
25. I am very conscious of how I smell and just scent/odour overall. I can identify a lot of perfumes just by smelling them.
I too tag my partner in crime, LL.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
2. My biggest fear is losing my parents and my brother. They're my best friends, my guardian angels, my role models. When I think about how unconditional my parents' love is, I am in awe of just how much God loves me...His love is truly infinite and I feel that through my parents. I strive to be at least 1/1000000 of a woman that my mom is and 1/1000000 of a character that my dad is.
3. I don't have one set style. I tend to wear a LOT of black & white, but what I wear really depends on my mood. Some of my favourite outifts are: jeans, white shirt & white ked's; black dress & heels; jeans, white/black tank top & high-heel boots; long white blouse, leggings & flats; yoga pants & tiny gym shirt. My favourite store is American Apparel.
4. My favourite accessories are scarves and bracelets.
5. If I could choose one thing to do right now, it would be to go on a 4-day Milford Sound hiking trip to New Zealand.
6. I went skydiving (LOVED it), but backed out of bungee jumping.
7. I've moved so many times in my life that I've lost count. I am a vagabond at heart. I love waking up in a new place!
8. One of my favourite SW times is going for a walk while listening to music, drinking green tea and spending hours reading in used book stores.
9. My dream job would entail a LOT of travelling.
10. I love planning/organizing/executing fundraising events. Any events, for that matter.
11. It's hard to get myself to the gym sometimes, but once I'm there, I can easily spend up to three hours or more.
12. I went to a music camp one summer in high school. YES there were bands in the camp, but I was in the ORCHESTRA, so don't even start with the band camp jokes.
13. Contrary to what people think of me when they see how often I go shopping, I spend quite wisely. I've only bought VERY FEW THINGS in my life that were not on sale or clearance. When I buy clothes/accessories/shoes, I pick classic styles that I can wear for years. And I do wear them for years.
14. My weight fluctuated quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I've finally found my perfect weight. I feel extremely comfortable in my own skin and love my body just the way it is. My body does SO much for me and I'm really grateful.
15. There is one thing I know and that is that I know nothing.
16. I love learning new languages. I speak Korea and English fluently. I'm currently learning French and hope to learn Spanish, German, Italian, Japanese and Mandarin.
17. My usual Sundays = church + library.
18. I love my double-eyelid-less authentic Korean eyes. I would NEVER EVER get plastic surgery to change them.
19. I don't want my boyfriend to be so poor that we can't do fun things like go to the movies or go out for dinner occasionally, but I am not a gold digger in any way either. Maybe I'd think differently if I didn't grow up in a comfortable home, but it doesn't really matter to me how rich or how prestigious my man's family is. What matters to me when it comes to his family is his relationship with them. There is no real security in life, and definitely not in money. You can lose everything in a second. Besides, I have everything I need to make my own money, so who cares? Gold digging is for lazy ass losers.
20. I prefer a hand-written card over Tiffany's. I can buy my own jewelry, thank you, but I'd prefer not to write myself a card.
21. When I was about 5, my mom sent me to a ski camp and it traumatized me. I haven't gone skiing since. I can snowboard though.
22. My mom always told me that I'd regret quitting ballet and piano. I do.
23. I have never been to a concert except for classical concerts.
24. I absolutely love things-to-do lists, planners, organizers, post-its, and every other stationery items.
25. I am very conscious of how I smell and just scent/odour overall. I can identify a lot of perfumes just by smelling them.
ONE BONUS (hehe): I may not know where exactly I'm headed or what I'm going to do to make a living, but one thing I know for sure is that I will make a difference in the world in a small way or big. I am all about loving what you do and doing what you love.
One last bonus exclusive to our readers: I am saving myself for marriage. A lot more of this topic to be discussed in my future posts.I too tag my partner in crime, LL.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Thursday, February 12, 2009
25 [quirky] facts about Lesson Learned
I don't know if anybody has been noticing this interesting little note that's been floating around on facebook. Since I'm too shy to do it on facebook, I figured, what's a blog without something useless to blog about? I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
1.) As of last week, I didn't realize how much I've relied on my water bottle until I left it in class. I can live without my phone for a day, but I can't live without my water bottle. I drink a lot of water. Gallons and gallons of, freshy filtered and then boiled, water. I'm a water girl. Water is my favourite beverage. I take my water bottle with me everywhere. I take it to class, I take it to work, I even take it when I go shopping or to the movies. Long story short, I'm thirsty. :(
2.) Another thing I cannot live without is my ipod. I love music. You know that term, "Music is my life?" Yeah well, that term is applicable to me. I cannot live a day without listening to music. I listen to music from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. The only times I don't listen to music is when I'm at work or in class...yeah..that's it. I even listen to music in the shower and I've owned about a billion mp3 players in my lifetime.
3.) Because I love music so much, I've been secretly recording and producing my own songs for the past 3 years. I'm very, very secretive about this hobby and only a selected few know about this. SW being one of them. I also signed up for an aznrap account under a stage name and posted my first, and only song last year on a forum. It was quite well received. I also have a soundclick and myspace music account that I don't tell anybody about.
4.) My right middle finger is crooked. I don't know how it happened or if I was born like this, but my father's middle finger is the same way. Maybe its genetics.
5.) I have a dimple on my left cheek. No one in my family has a dimple except for my grandmother (one on her right cheek). My mother told me that's probably where I got it from. I really like this connection I had with my grandmother, and I hope that when I have kids, they will have one dimple on their cheek so I can tell them they got it from their great-grandmother. RIP
6.) I lack a lot of self-discipline. If I crave a certain food, I go out and get it. Like that time I craved cheesecake at 4 in the morning and I walked over to Sobey's and bought one. Or if I get tired, I will nap regardless of the time, even if it is 10pm. I eat when I'm hungry, I sleep when I'm tired. The heart wants what it wants. This also goes for shopping and probably why my closet is about to explode.
7.) I have really big hair. Really big, voluminous, thick hair. I use to hate it when I was a kid because I get picked on and people think it's a wig. It doesn't help that I've had about a billion horrible haircuts as a child. But then the glorious ceramic straightening iron was invented and my hairstylist was born. Halleluja! Now I really embrace my hair and love the fact that I can get so much volume without putting any products in.
8.) I try to be as natural as possible in terms of my physical appearance. I don't like hair products, any type of lotion, or heavy heavy makeup (unless I'm going out). I feel like it weighs down my body. The only thing I wear on a daily basis is liquid foundation and lipbalm. In a perfect world, I would have flawless skin and wouldn't need to wear foundation. Just lipbalm and I'm good to go!
9.) You know those days when you just feel like you look completely shiteous? I sometimes wonder if there's a guy out there who thinks I'm still beautiful on those days. Because if there is, I'd want to spend the rest of my life with him.
10.) I think people give me too much credibility on my fashion sense. I think I just really love to shop and I like keeping up with current trends. I would love to be a trendsetter but what hasn't been done already?
11.) I have the smallest hands and feet in the world. It is a mission trying to find heels and flats that fit perfectly, along with rings, gloves, and bracelets. What a curse! But it's cute though. :)
12.) If you ask my group of friends from university, highschool, or work what I'm known for. They'll all answer the same thing: Food. I eat a lot for such a tiny person. No one knows where it goes and neither do I.
13.) I try very hard not to be judgemental because I think ignorance is unacceptable. I don't like being judged on what I've done in the past or the way I present myself so I try not to do it to others. People make mistakes and they learn from it, it's called experiencing life. Let's keep an open mind people!
14.) People find it amusing that I cook. From scratch. They're more amused that it's actually GOOD food. I don't see what the big deal is, they just don't give me enough credit.
15.) Sometimes at night, when I'm walking to or from class, or anywhere for that matter, I walk like I'm walking down a catwalk and lipsync to hardcore gangster rap. I have no shame because it's too dark for anyone to see. I urge everyone to try it.
16.) I secretly hope that life can be handed to me on a silver platter. Whenever I think about my future I get a mini panic attack because I don't know what's in store for me. I hope in the next year, I'll be able to find something I love to do. Music? Fashion?
17.) I'm very blessed to have both great male and female friends around me. I can choose to be girly when I want to or boyish when I don't. I love being able to ask for advice from the opposite sex and see things in their persepective. I feel sad for a person if they think that guys and girls can't just be friends because they're missing out on a whole other world-view.
18.) When I was 16, I worked at Baskin Robbins. I got to have a free scoop of ice cream everytime I worked. Of course my co-workers and I would pack it in really tight so it's really like having 2 scoops in a single cup. And of course we would steal ice cream everytime we were on a shift anyway. I used to work a lot...so I ate a lot of ice cream within a year. I'm surprised I don't have diabetes or a heart attack by now.
19.) My first boyfriend made me feel completely comfortable in my own skin. And for that, I will always be thankful.
20.) I secretly want to be in the entertainment industry, but I think my head is not big enough for it. In order to make it in that business, you have to be at least a bit self-absorbed with a big ego. I kind of look down on people who are like that cause they're a turn-off.
21.) I'm an only child and most people don't know that when they first meet me. I take that as a compliment because then I know I'm not acting spoiled or bratty. But I can be though... >:)
22.) I have a post-it on my monitor that says "Stop letting the little things get to you =)" It's been there for about 3 months now and I think it's sort of helped.
23.) I'm a Taurus and Taurus' are said to be stubborn. Yes, I am stubborn. But I think I've gotten a lot softer over the past few years and more willing to let the little things go. I'm not as hard-headed as I used to be and I think that's actually made me a bit boring.
24.) I sometimes feel that what I've experienced in my past relationships doesn't compare to most people my age and it's hard to find someone who completely understands unless they're like, in their early 30s. But the good thing is, I'm happy my friends can come to me for advice because I've been through it before and can relate. I like being the Go-To Girl.
25.) I'm always late. To class, to work, to meeting up with friends, whenever. I was once an hour late to meeting up with my date. Thank goodness he was a sweetheart. LL time is original time to meet + 45mins to an hour. In fact, I'm late to class right now finishing this post!
BONUS FACT #26: I know all the lyrics to every single song on my ipod and there is about 800 songs. I search it up online and I can memorize it within 24 hours. Funny how I can't remember anything I read from a textbook.
It's funny how when you finish, random things keep popping up in your head to add onto the list.
Since I can't tag people like on facebook.
I tag my partner in crime, SW.
Love Always,
LL
1.) As of last week, I didn't realize how much I've relied on my water bottle until I left it in class. I can live without my phone for a day, but I can't live without my water bottle. I drink a lot of water. Gallons and gallons of, freshy filtered and then boiled, water. I'm a water girl. Water is my favourite beverage. I take my water bottle with me everywhere. I take it to class, I take it to work, I even take it when I go shopping or to the movies. Long story short, I'm thirsty. :(
2.) Another thing I cannot live without is my ipod. I love music. You know that term, "Music is my life?" Yeah well, that term is applicable to me. I cannot live a day without listening to music. I listen to music from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. The only times I don't listen to music is when I'm at work or in class...yeah..that's it. I even listen to music in the shower and I've owned about a billion mp3 players in my lifetime.
3.) Because I love music so much, I've been secretly recording and producing my own songs for the past 3 years. I'm very, very secretive about this hobby and only a selected few know about this. SW being one of them. I also signed up for an aznrap account under a stage name and posted my first, and only song last year on a forum. It was quite well received. I also have a soundclick and myspace music account that I don't tell anybody about.
4.) My right middle finger is crooked. I don't know how it happened or if I was born like this, but my father's middle finger is the same way. Maybe its genetics.
5.) I have a dimple on my left cheek. No one in my family has a dimple except for my grandmother (one on her right cheek). My mother told me that's probably where I got it from. I really like this connection I had with my grandmother, and I hope that when I have kids, they will have one dimple on their cheek so I can tell them they got it from their great-grandmother. RIP
6.) I lack a lot of self-discipline. If I crave a certain food, I go out and get it. Like that time I craved cheesecake at 4 in the morning and I walked over to Sobey's and bought one. Or if I get tired, I will nap regardless of the time, even if it is 10pm. I eat when I'm hungry, I sleep when I'm tired. The heart wants what it wants. This also goes for shopping and probably why my closet is about to explode.
7.) I have really big hair. Really big, voluminous, thick hair. I use to hate it when I was a kid because I get picked on and people think it's a wig. It doesn't help that I've had about a billion horrible haircuts as a child. But then the glorious ceramic straightening iron was invented and my hairstylist was born. Halleluja! Now I really embrace my hair and love the fact that I can get so much volume without putting any products in.
8.) I try to be as natural as possible in terms of my physical appearance. I don't like hair products, any type of lotion, or heavy heavy makeup (unless I'm going out). I feel like it weighs down my body. The only thing I wear on a daily basis is liquid foundation and lipbalm. In a perfect world, I would have flawless skin and wouldn't need to wear foundation. Just lipbalm and I'm good to go!
9.) You know those days when you just feel like you look completely shiteous? I sometimes wonder if there's a guy out there who thinks I'm still beautiful on those days. Because if there is, I'd want to spend the rest of my life with him.
10.) I think people give me too much credibility on my fashion sense. I think I just really love to shop and I like keeping up with current trends. I would love to be a trendsetter but what hasn't been done already?
11.) I have the smallest hands and feet in the world. It is a mission trying to find heels and flats that fit perfectly, along with rings, gloves, and bracelets. What a curse! But it's cute though. :)
12.) If you ask my group of friends from university, highschool, or work what I'm known for. They'll all answer the same thing: Food. I eat a lot for such a tiny person. No one knows where it goes and neither do I.
13.) I try very hard not to be judgemental because I think ignorance is unacceptable. I don't like being judged on what I've done in the past or the way I present myself so I try not to do it to others. People make mistakes and they learn from it, it's called experiencing life. Let's keep an open mind people!
14.) People find it amusing that I cook. From scratch. They're more amused that it's actually GOOD food. I don't see what the big deal is, they just don't give me enough credit.
15.) Sometimes at night, when I'm walking to or from class, or anywhere for that matter, I walk like I'm walking down a catwalk and lipsync to hardcore gangster rap. I have no shame because it's too dark for anyone to see. I urge everyone to try it.
16.) I secretly hope that life can be handed to me on a silver platter. Whenever I think about my future I get a mini panic attack because I don't know what's in store for me. I hope in the next year, I'll be able to find something I love to do. Music? Fashion?
17.) I'm very blessed to have both great male and female friends around me. I can choose to be girly when I want to or boyish when I don't. I love being able to ask for advice from the opposite sex and see things in their persepective. I feel sad for a person if they think that guys and girls can't just be friends because they're missing out on a whole other world-view.
18.) When I was 16, I worked at Baskin Robbins. I got to have a free scoop of ice cream everytime I worked. Of course my co-workers and I would pack it in really tight so it's really like having 2 scoops in a single cup. And of course we would steal ice cream everytime we were on a shift anyway. I used to work a lot...so I ate a lot of ice cream within a year. I'm surprised I don't have diabetes or a heart attack by now.
19.) My first boyfriend made me feel completely comfortable in my own skin. And for that, I will always be thankful.
20.) I secretly want to be in the entertainment industry, but I think my head is not big enough for it. In order to make it in that business, you have to be at least a bit self-absorbed with a big ego. I kind of look down on people who are like that cause they're a turn-off.
21.) I'm an only child and most people don't know that when they first meet me. I take that as a compliment because then I know I'm not acting spoiled or bratty. But I can be though... >:)
22.) I have a post-it on my monitor that says "Stop letting the little things get to you =)" It's been there for about 3 months now and I think it's sort of helped.
23.) I'm a Taurus and Taurus' are said to be stubborn. Yes, I am stubborn. But I think I've gotten a lot softer over the past few years and more willing to let the little things go. I'm not as hard-headed as I used to be and I think that's actually made me a bit boring.
24.) I sometimes feel that what I've experienced in my past relationships doesn't compare to most people my age and it's hard to find someone who completely understands unless they're like, in their early 30s. But the good thing is, I'm happy my friends can come to me for advice because I've been through it before and can relate. I like being the Go-To Girl.
25.) I'm always late. To class, to work, to meeting up with friends, whenever. I was once an hour late to meeting up with my date. Thank goodness he was a sweetheart. LL time is original time to meet + 45mins to an hour. In fact, I'm late to class right now finishing this post!
BONUS FACT #26: I know all the lyrics to every single song on my ipod and there is about 800 songs. I search it up online and I can memorize it within 24 hours. Funny how I can't remember anything I read from a textbook.
It's funny how when you finish, random things keep popping up in your head to add onto the list.
Since I can't tag people like on facebook.
I tag my partner in crime, SW.
Love Always,
LL
My Firsts: A Real Gentleman
The first night we kissed, he asked me if it would be okay if he did.
He holds my jacket behind me while I put it on.
He calls when he's told to. He texts when he says he will.
He gives me a kiss on my cheek every time we say bye.
He doesn't push it when I hint that I am not in the mood to make out.
He treats me as if I actually deserve all of this.
Whoever said nice guys finish last has never met this one.
He holds my jacket behind me while I put it on.
He calls when he's told to. He texts when he says he will.
He gives me a kiss on my cheek every time we say bye.
He doesn't push it when I hint that I am not in the mood to make out.
He treats me as if I actually deserve all of this.
Whoever said nice guys finish last has never met this one.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Take it as it comes
A close girlfriend and I had a chat the other day and I asked whether her and her unofficial boyfriend of 3 months has ever had a serious talk about their status. She replied no and I proceeded to telling her that I admire girls who can bring up that topic with their men. Her however, thought the opposite and I asked her why.
"Cause so many girls are so caught up in figuring stuff out and I think not very many girls can just go with it. They're so worried about securing what they have. I'm happy with how things are now and I'm not really worried about what's to come. I just take it as it comes which is why I don't need to clarify anything."
Whoa. I thought about how true that was and how hard it is for girls to sometimes just go with it. To ignore the voices in your head, and the paranoia of securing something real etc. etc. She then asked me my rationale on my opinion. The way I see it, it's admirable for a girl to speak her mind whenever she has insecurities and doubts about her relationship. It's just as hard to bring up that sticky topic then not say anything at all because you never know what he's thinking.
We both agreed that it depends on how secure you feel in the relationship. In the end, it all comes straight down to security. Although I don't feel very secure at the moment, I am happy being with him and I've never been the type of girl to ask the number one question, "What are we?" And because I've never had the courage to ask, I do let it get to me sometimes and it does stress me out. So I've decided to take a leaf out of my friend's book and just learn to take it as it comes.
Love Always,
LL
"Cause so many girls are so caught up in figuring stuff out and I think not very many girls can just go with it. They're so worried about securing what they have. I'm happy with how things are now and I'm not really worried about what's to come. I just take it as it comes which is why I don't need to clarify anything."
Whoa. I thought about how true that was and how hard it is for girls to sometimes just go with it. To ignore the voices in your head, and the paranoia of securing something real etc. etc. She then asked me my rationale on my opinion. The way I see it, it's admirable for a girl to speak her mind whenever she has insecurities and doubts about her relationship. It's just as hard to bring up that sticky topic then not say anything at all because you never know what he's thinking.
We both agreed that it depends on how secure you feel in the relationship. In the end, it all comes straight down to security. Although I don't feel very secure at the moment, I am happy being with him and I've never been the type of girl to ask the number one question, "What are we?" And because I've never had the courage to ask, I do let it get to me sometimes and it does stress me out. So I've decided to take a leaf out of my friend's book and just learn to take it as it comes.
Love Always,
LL
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Has anyone seen my Sass Whip?
A close guy friend of mine once told me that all guys liked to be whipped. I wonder if it's true. He told me that if I wanted to keep my current man interested, I gotta whip him just a bit. Now I'm not new to this whipping business, in fact, I use to pride myself in this skill that not a lot of girls can master. I don't know how it happened, but I've seemed to have lost my touch. In fact, the tables have completely turned. I find myself going out of my way to see him no matter how busy I am. I receive one text message and I'm there. I plan his birthday a month ahead of time. I'm doing things I would never normally do for a guy, but I guess that's how you can tell when you really like someone. You don't always have an explanation for your actions. My friend knew what I was like in the past and we're both wondering the same thing. This is not the same girl I once was, so where on Earth did I leave my Sass Whip? Let's take a moment and look back shall we?
My highschool sweetheart was of course, a sweetheart. Back then, I was the most hopeless hopeless romantic there ever was. I indulged in love songs, romantic movies, korean dramas and romance novels to satisfy my love-cravings. I wanted someone to love, someone who loved me, and someone who would love us. I wanted to show affectionate gestures, plan special dates and celebrate anniversaries. And I found someone. Now we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. To be honest, we didn't really like each other when we first met. Ironically enough, I've always wanted to be the girl in those movies who hated a guy at first but then fall deeply in love. He did everything for me. Expensive gifts, nice meals out, calling me every night, visiting me at school regardless of how tired he was, ditching his friends to be with me, pretty much everything I wanted, I got. He would go out of his way to make me happy, even if I was being completely unreasonable. I had known quite early on that I always had the upper hand in that relationship. Perhaps I used it to my advantage, now don't get me wrong, I really did like him, but not to the extent he felt about me. And like all good things in life it eventually turned sour, ending in me breaking his heart and the words "I spoiled you like a fucken princess" coming out of his mouth.
Yes we did tell each other those 3 words, and I suppose I meant them at the time. But my philosophy is, if you had really fallen in love with someone back then, you can look back on it now and still know that you had loved them once upon a time ago. When I look back on this, I just don't feel like I did. I think I was too caught up with him being my first real boyfriend, and too caught up with being in love with love.
Entering university was exhilerating. New people, new environment, new freedom. I was single and ready to mingle and perhaps I entered with my head bigger than it was in highschool. I wanted to try new things, meet new people and gain new expriences. I believe everyone goes through a phase where they just want to date around and be casual. This was during that time of my phase, but a certain guy wouldn't let me have it. I have never met anyone as persistent as he was, and he wanted me. It's nice to be wanted.
I did everything I could to brush him off but eventually I fell, and I fell hard. This whole relationship can be summed up into 3 words: An Unexpected Rollercoaster. From the time he started liking me to when we broke up, it was all completely unexpected. It felt like he squeezed himself into my life without my permission, and I fell for it. Now if you think my first boyfriend did everything for me, this one did more. 100x more. Cooked, cleaned, paid for every single meal, drove me back and forth from uptown to downtown, you name it, he did it. The worse part is I never appreciated it until I lost it. I've never showed appreciation for him period. I was a crazy demanding girlfriend with a different mood every few hours resulting in him telling one of my suitemates "She's crazy, I love it!" I've always been suspicious to why he put up with it, it can't just be because he liked me that much can it? I refused to believe it. There must've been some hidden meaning behind his nice gestures. It was too good to be true! That's the thing with being a girl, you overanalyze every little thing until you ruin it for yourself in the end.
When I finally realized I had a good thing going, it was too late. And just like that, my heart was broken into a billion pieces. There is nothing like your first real heartbreak. It caught me by surprise because I expected him to at least want to try one last time especially after the rollercoaster we've been through, and the emotional baggage we've never seemed to be able to let go of. I desperately wanted him to know that I'm done making stupid mistakes, I'm done playing games, and I've learnt my lessons. But people eventually get fed up and sometimes you learn that the best solution is to just go your seperate ways instead of being stuck in a hole you've dug up for yourself. You see, this break up was a defining moment in my life. It changed me into who I had become today. The night we ended things was the night my walls crumbled down, my dignity gone, my pride bursted, my heart wide opened, and I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. Although it has been 2 years since then, the smallest details has become forgotten but I'll never forget the tears falling, the begging, and the long ride home listening to 4 in the morning by Gwen Stefani.
I know I had loved him back then. Even now, I still know.
I did not give my heart enough time for a real deserved rest. I was ready after a month to get back out there, but I wanted nothing serious. This was when my second phase started. I wanted to play around again, I missed having company, and I subconsciously wanted to prove to him that men still wanted me as stupid as that sounds. I was not use to being single again and I finally understood why people jump from relationship to relationship. But the funny thing is, it all felt so meaningless. There was no substance, no connection, just physical attraction. That just wasn't enough for me. I wanted something more, I wanted what I had before.
And then he strolled along...
Although I knew from the beginning that he was interested in me, I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I wanted to be sure that I liked him for the right reasons and his persistent behaviours reminded me of an ex which was comforting in a weird way. He was a bit awkward, uncomfortable, and inexperienced. But he was sweet, caring and had a strong bond with his family, which I didn't know was an important quality in a man until I met him. I looked past the physical aspects and saw deep into his values. It's funny how personality can make someone appear more attractive in your eyes. This time around, with all my past experiences gathered, my lessons all bundled up in my head, I was cool, calm, and collected. I was no longer the demanding, bitchy, moody girlfriend, but the sass was still there, just not as magnified. I think in a way, I thought that even though the sassy persona can hook the guy and keep him interested for awhile, it doesn't last forever. Eventually, they all get sick of the high-maintenance girl who wants everything her way.
I knew from the beginning that he has never fallen in love, or have had a long-term relationship for that matter. I knew that we were on completely different levels. I knew that I couldn't come on too strong because it would overwhelm him. I knew that I would have to be extra patient with him, for him to learn the ropes of being a boyfriend. I knew that I've never been a patient person, but for him, I gave it a shot. For a short time, I saw a definite future with him. But that definite future I saw blinded me from what my original expectations were. It wasn't okay for us to talk only once a week. It wasn't okay for him to make plans with me on the day of, every single time. And it wasn't okay that he didn't see anything wrong with our communication. I knew that I wouldn't have tolerated this back then, and it was at that moment I realized how far I've come from before.
Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to speak her mind? Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to get her way? Where was that girl who always set out to get what she wants? Where on Earth did she leave her Sass Whip?
And now I know.
I left it the night I got my heart broken.
Love Always,
LL
My highschool sweetheart was of course, a sweetheart. Back then, I was the most hopeless hopeless romantic there ever was. I indulged in love songs, romantic movies, korean dramas and romance novels to satisfy my love-cravings. I wanted someone to love, someone who loved me, and someone who would love us. I wanted to show affectionate gestures, plan special dates and celebrate anniversaries. And I found someone. Now we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. To be honest, we didn't really like each other when we first met. Ironically enough, I've always wanted to be the girl in those movies who hated a guy at first but then fall deeply in love. He did everything for me. Expensive gifts, nice meals out, calling me every night, visiting me at school regardless of how tired he was, ditching his friends to be with me, pretty much everything I wanted, I got. He would go out of his way to make me happy, even if I was being completely unreasonable. I had known quite early on that I always had the upper hand in that relationship. Perhaps I used it to my advantage, now don't get me wrong, I really did like him, but not to the extent he felt about me. And like all good things in life it eventually turned sour, ending in me breaking his heart and the words "I spoiled you like a fucken princess" coming out of his mouth.
Yes we did tell each other those 3 words, and I suppose I meant them at the time. But my philosophy is, if you had really fallen in love with someone back then, you can look back on it now and still know that you had loved them once upon a time ago. When I look back on this, I just don't feel like I did. I think I was too caught up with him being my first real boyfriend, and too caught up with being in love with love.
Entering university was exhilerating. New people, new environment, new freedom. I was single and ready to mingle and perhaps I entered with my head bigger than it was in highschool. I wanted to try new things, meet new people and gain new expriences. I believe everyone goes through a phase where they just want to date around and be casual. This was during that time of my phase, but a certain guy wouldn't let me have it. I have never met anyone as persistent as he was, and he wanted me. It's nice to be wanted.
I did everything I could to brush him off but eventually I fell, and I fell hard. This whole relationship can be summed up into 3 words: An Unexpected Rollercoaster. From the time he started liking me to when we broke up, it was all completely unexpected. It felt like he squeezed himself into my life without my permission, and I fell for it. Now if you think my first boyfriend did everything for me, this one did more. 100x more. Cooked, cleaned, paid for every single meal, drove me back and forth from uptown to downtown, you name it, he did it. The worse part is I never appreciated it until I lost it. I've never showed appreciation for him period. I was a crazy demanding girlfriend with a different mood every few hours resulting in him telling one of my suitemates "She's crazy, I love it!" I've always been suspicious to why he put up with it, it can't just be because he liked me that much can it? I refused to believe it. There must've been some hidden meaning behind his nice gestures. It was too good to be true! That's the thing with being a girl, you overanalyze every little thing until you ruin it for yourself in the end.
When I finally realized I had a good thing going, it was too late. And just like that, my heart was broken into a billion pieces. There is nothing like your first real heartbreak. It caught me by surprise because I expected him to at least want to try one last time especially after the rollercoaster we've been through, and the emotional baggage we've never seemed to be able to let go of. I desperately wanted him to know that I'm done making stupid mistakes, I'm done playing games, and I've learnt my lessons. But people eventually get fed up and sometimes you learn that the best solution is to just go your seperate ways instead of being stuck in a hole you've dug up for yourself. You see, this break up was a defining moment in my life. It changed me into who I had become today. The night we ended things was the night my walls crumbled down, my dignity gone, my pride bursted, my heart wide opened, and I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. Although it has been 2 years since then, the smallest details has become forgotten but I'll never forget the tears falling, the begging, and the long ride home listening to 4 in the morning by Gwen Stefani.
I know I had loved him back then. Even now, I still know.
I did not give my heart enough time for a real deserved rest. I was ready after a month to get back out there, but I wanted nothing serious. This was when my second phase started. I wanted to play around again, I missed having company, and I subconsciously wanted to prove to him that men still wanted me as stupid as that sounds. I was not use to being single again and I finally understood why people jump from relationship to relationship. But the funny thing is, it all felt so meaningless. There was no substance, no connection, just physical attraction. That just wasn't enough for me. I wanted something more, I wanted what I had before.
And then he strolled along...
Although I knew from the beginning that he was interested in me, I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I wanted to be sure that I liked him for the right reasons and his persistent behaviours reminded me of an ex which was comforting in a weird way. He was a bit awkward, uncomfortable, and inexperienced. But he was sweet, caring and had a strong bond with his family, which I didn't know was an important quality in a man until I met him. I looked past the physical aspects and saw deep into his values. It's funny how personality can make someone appear more attractive in your eyes. This time around, with all my past experiences gathered, my lessons all bundled up in my head, I was cool, calm, and collected. I was no longer the demanding, bitchy, moody girlfriend, but the sass was still there, just not as magnified. I think in a way, I thought that even though the sassy persona can hook the guy and keep him interested for awhile, it doesn't last forever. Eventually, they all get sick of the high-maintenance girl who wants everything her way.
I knew from the beginning that he has never fallen in love, or have had a long-term relationship for that matter. I knew that we were on completely different levels. I knew that I couldn't come on too strong because it would overwhelm him. I knew that I would have to be extra patient with him, for him to learn the ropes of being a boyfriend. I knew that I've never been a patient person, but for him, I gave it a shot. For a short time, I saw a definite future with him. But that definite future I saw blinded me from what my original expectations were. It wasn't okay for us to talk only once a week. It wasn't okay for him to make plans with me on the day of, every single time. And it wasn't okay that he didn't see anything wrong with our communication. I knew that I wouldn't have tolerated this back then, and it was at that moment I realized how far I've come from before.
Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to speak her mind? Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to get her way? Where was that girl who always set out to get what she wants? Where on Earth did she leave her Sass Whip?
And now I know.
I left it the night I got my heart broken.
Love Always,
LL
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Analyze That: Hugs
There are three different types of hugs: diagonal hug (one arm around the waist, one arm around the shoulders), hug around the waist, hug around the shoulders.
My personal favourite from a man? Hug around the waist. It's even cuter if the guy is much taller than you and you end up on your tippy toes trying to put your arms around his shoulders and he is crouching down to hug you around your waist. AWWWW! :)
HOWEVER, a hug around the shoulders done well is very very nice as well.
Now, a diagonal hug is a whole different story. I can often tell whether a guy likes me as more than friends or not by their hugs. A diagonal hug just does not cut it. Yes, today, when I ran into one of my interest-men, he gave me the...diagonal hug. How disappointing.
I'm a very touchy person. I love to hug, hold hands, cuddle, link arms, whatever, wherever, and whenever. But most of all, I love hugs-really big hugs that just warms you up from the inside out.
Pfffft. Diagonal hug. Who are you kidding, really?
My personal favourite from a man? Hug around the waist. It's even cuter if the guy is much taller than you and you end up on your tippy toes trying to put your arms around his shoulders and he is crouching down to hug you around your waist. AWWWW! :)
HOWEVER, a hug around the shoulders done well is very very nice as well.
Now, a diagonal hug is a whole different story. I can often tell whether a guy likes me as more than friends or not by their hugs. A diagonal hug just does not cut it. Yes, today, when I ran into one of my interest-men, he gave me the...diagonal hug. How disappointing.
I'm a very touchy person. I love to hug, hold hands, cuddle, link arms, whatever, wherever, and whenever. But most of all, I love hugs-really big hugs that just warms you up from the inside out.
Pfffft. Diagonal hug. Who are you kidding, really?
Come what may.
I had one of the best days EVER today.
I was going to go to the gym after mass, but since it was so damn nice outside (i.e. clear blue sky, unbelievably warm for early February), I decided to go for a walk instead. What a glorious idea it turned out to be!
I had my favourite casual outfit on: jeans, Ked's classic white sneakers (only $35.00 at Capezio. Divine!), white American Apparel v-neck t-shirt, guava American Apparel circle scarf worn double-wrapped, my camel-coloured wool & cashmere coat and Gucci sunglasses. I set off with my tumbler in one hand and my mp3 player (that's right. I do not own an ipod) in the other.
I walked through the endless street of beautiful boutiques and happy shoppers amidst the Starbucks aroma, listening to one of my favourite cello sonatas, eating my favourite afternoon snack. Needless to say, I treated my five senses really well today. Most of all, I realized exactly how blessed I am to be living in this city, to have the most wonderful friends, to have the most supportive and loving parents, and simply how blessed I am to be me. Long story short, it was one of those days when with full confidence, I could shout in my heart: come what may.
Men might break my heart into million little pieces and just when it is healing, they might break it over and over again. I might spend hours and hours overanalyzing every single word they have said to me or analyzing every single gesture. I might still be waiting for the one few years down the road. But today, I feel brave. My heart can and will take anything that comes its way. The only way my heart could ever shatter completely is not by any man but by me: if I ever stop believing in love and start overprotecting it.
Come. What. May.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
I was going to go to the gym after mass, but since it was so damn nice outside (i.e. clear blue sky, unbelievably warm for early February), I decided to go for a walk instead. What a glorious idea it turned out to be!
I had my favourite casual outfit on: jeans, Ked's classic white sneakers (only $35.00 at Capezio. Divine!), white American Apparel v-neck t-shirt, guava American Apparel circle scarf worn double-wrapped, my camel-coloured wool & cashmere coat and Gucci sunglasses. I set off with my tumbler in one hand and my mp3 player (that's right. I do not own an ipod) in the other.
I walked through the endless street of beautiful boutiques and happy shoppers amidst the Starbucks aroma, listening to one of my favourite cello sonatas, eating my favourite afternoon snack. Needless to say, I treated my five senses really well today. Most of all, I realized exactly how blessed I am to be living in this city, to have the most wonderful friends, to have the most supportive and loving parents, and simply how blessed I am to be me. Long story short, it was one of those days when with full confidence, I could shout in my heart: come what may.
Men might break my heart into million little pieces and just when it is healing, they might break it over and over again. I might spend hours and hours overanalyzing every single word they have said to me or analyzing every single gesture. I might still be waiting for the one few years down the road. But today, I feel brave. My heart can and will take anything that comes its way. The only way my heart could ever shatter completely is not by any man but by me: if I ever stop believing in love and start overprotecting it.
Come. What. May.
With love, faith and hope,
SW
Monday, February 2, 2009
Labels&Love
I used to be one of those girls who needed a label to define a relationship. I used to be one of those girls who needed a label to feel security, and I honestly thought I was always going to be that girl. But recently, I found myself in a label-less, define-less, and expectation-less relationship. How it happened? I have no idea. Am I okay with it? I have no idea.
I tell myself that as long as I'm happy in the present, I'm fine. I realized I've stopped looking too far into the future when I'm with him. I don't daydream about future dates or expect anything from him. I don't expect gifts to be given on holidays, I don't expect meals to be paid for when we go out and I don't expect my hand to be held when we walk down the street together. As I'm typing this, I realize how sad that really sounds. I wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I wonder how long I can last just thinking about us one week at a time.
It feels like the older you get, the less direct men are towards you. Everything becomes a big question mark, everything becomes wishy-washy. I remember a time when it was simple and straightforward. The question "Will you go out with me?" will stamp you and your boy as an official couple. Exclusive. Only you and him. I miss those days.
By being complete females, we question our status when things get serious with a certain guy we like. Where do we stand? What are we? How much does he like me? and the number one question that bugs me the most is, "How much should I allow myself to show him I care?" Because pre-relationship is the most important game that needs to be played, and played well. Everything is strategized, game plans are drawn up, outfits are planned 2 weeks ahead of time and you hold back. The ball goes back and forth between the 2 courts and if you're lucky, the ball can stay in your court for a very long time. I've always been the lucky one. I've been blessed with meeting amazing guys that cared for, and liked me more than I had liked them. And for the first time ever, the tables have turned. I'm not sure how I should be handling it. On one hand, I can guard myself and play it very casual and non chalant. However, I'd be lying to my heart and to him, scared to show how much I actually cared. On the other hand, I've never been the type of girl to give it 50%, I'm an all-or-nothing kinda girl. And as great as that sounds, if the other person doesn't feel the same way it is very easy to scare them away. One wrong move and poof. Gone.
As much as I like him and how out of my element this is. I'm surprised with how...fine I feel in regards to our situation. I find myself wondering why I'm not angry. Angry for him having all the benefits of a relationship, without the baggage. Angry for me being exclusive only to him, and I don't really know if he is towards me. Angry that the ball is in his court. Angry that I don't have "Girlfriend Rights" to know where he is, or angry that he can potentially be seeing somebody else without my knowledge and I wouldn't really have the rights to know about it. But I really don't care.
Althought I'm still young and probably still very naive, I'm just so sick of relationship games. I just want to be completely real and vulnerable. I don't need a label, I just want to feel secure. I've had my fair share of games, I've been a relationship whore, I've whipped guys, I've dated around and I've played around with people's feelings. I'm not proud of that stage, but I'm glad I experienced it and finally figured out that that's not who I want to become. I'm happy that I'm a monogamous and I think it's about time I lay my heart on the line, especially with someone I feel deeply connected to. I don't ever want to hold back again.
But I wonder if it's possible to feel security without having the label. Perhaps I've never stopped being that girl.
Cause just like a designer bag, no girl wants to carry a fake in her arm.
Love Always,
LL
I tell myself that as long as I'm happy in the present, I'm fine. I realized I've stopped looking too far into the future when I'm with him. I don't daydream about future dates or expect anything from him. I don't expect gifts to be given on holidays, I don't expect meals to be paid for when we go out and I don't expect my hand to be held when we walk down the street together. As I'm typing this, I realize how sad that really sounds. I wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I wonder how long I can last just thinking about us one week at a time.
It feels like the older you get, the less direct men are towards you. Everything becomes a big question mark, everything becomes wishy-washy. I remember a time when it was simple and straightforward. The question "Will you go out with me?" will stamp you and your boy as an official couple. Exclusive. Only you and him. I miss those days.
By being complete females, we question our status when things get serious with a certain guy we like. Where do we stand? What are we? How much does he like me? and the number one question that bugs me the most is, "How much should I allow myself to show him I care?" Because pre-relationship is the most important game that needs to be played, and played well. Everything is strategized, game plans are drawn up, outfits are planned 2 weeks ahead of time and you hold back. The ball goes back and forth between the 2 courts and if you're lucky, the ball can stay in your court for a very long time. I've always been the lucky one. I've been blessed with meeting amazing guys that cared for, and liked me more than I had liked them. And for the first time ever, the tables have turned. I'm not sure how I should be handling it. On one hand, I can guard myself and play it very casual and non chalant. However, I'd be lying to my heart and to him, scared to show how much I actually cared. On the other hand, I've never been the type of girl to give it 50%, I'm an all-or-nothing kinda girl. And as great as that sounds, if the other person doesn't feel the same way it is very easy to scare them away. One wrong move and poof. Gone.
As much as I like him and how out of my element this is. I'm surprised with how...fine I feel in regards to our situation. I find myself wondering why I'm not angry. Angry for him having all the benefits of a relationship, without the baggage. Angry for me being exclusive only to him, and I don't really know if he is towards me. Angry that the ball is in his court. Angry that I don't have "Girlfriend Rights" to know where he is, or angry that he can potentially be seeing somebody else without my knowledge and I wouldn't really have the rights to know about it. But I really don't care.
Althought I'm still young and probably still very naive, I'm just so sick of relationship games. I just want to be completely real and vulnerable. I don't need a label, I just want to feel secure. I've had my fair share of games, I've been a relationship whore, I've whipped guys, I've dated around and I've played around with people's feelings. I'm not proud of that stage, but I'm glad I experienced it and finally figured out that that's not who I want to become. I'm happy that I'm a monogamous and I think it's about time I lay my heart on the line, especially with someone I feel deeply connected to. I don't ever want to hold back again.
But I wonder if it's possible to feel security without having the label. Perhaps I've never stopped being that girl.
Cause just like a designer bag, no girl wants to carry a fake in her arm.
Love Always,
LL
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