Too Good to be True

When a guy is willing to change his lifestyle for you, and he tells you that you're the one who gives him a rush of feelings he hasn't felt in a very long time, and he's willing to find alternatives and solutions to the problems you're facing, and he's a believer of open communication, and he's well-mannered and polite, and he believes that a guy should always pay for dates, and he's always honest with you, and he tells you everyday how he feels about you.

So why am I hesitating?
Why do we always want what we can't have, but when we finally get it, we stop and question it to death.

Love Always,
LL

Stability

In February of last year, I decided to quit studying Commerce. I was doing really well in the program. I consistently achieved a high average, I was involved in many extracurricular activities as an Executive member, and I connected with a lot of recruiters. I loved meeting them. All these were great, but I was not happy. I was not intellectually stimulated by cash flows, balancing the balance sheets, marketing, finance, organizational behaviour, you name it. I knew that I was set. I knew that I could make a steady income from a 9-5 job upon graduation. However, it meant nothing to me when I was so miserable and when I did not feel like my gifts, talents, skills and intellects were shining their light. Even if you have the most stable job, there will always be an unstable part of your life. That is life. So, why settle for a stable job that does not make you happy, when there will always be some unstability, anyway? Why settle in the first place?

As Christopher McCandless, an American wanderer, once said:

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greather joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Go out there and explore all you can and seize all you want. Be up and about! Keep your fire growing in your heart and go after your passion.


With love, hope and faith,

SW

No more queen

...bed.

I've always slept on a single bed, until last week. I just moved into a fully-furnished bachelor suite in the heart of downtown. Getting a queen size bed was exciting at first- more room to roll around while I sleep, and in the words of LL, more room to lay out my clothes, laptop, etc. However, it's making me really lonely. Every time I lie down to sleep, I can't help but wish that a man who I love and who loves me is lying next to me. Without that man, the bed feels so big and there is just not enough of me to fill my bed or my heart. Of course, I would never say this to a man. I'd seem too "needy." Well, I am. I get lonely. I need and want someone to be with me when I feel so unsettled in almost every aspect of my life.

That got me thinking that I wish I had a cuddling buddy. Not a fuck buddy, but a cuddling buddy. A (cute) man who I can call upon on a night like this to come and cuddle me to sleep. Why not a fuck buddy? Well, I'm a virgin. A hard-core virgin- I have never seen a penis, I have never gone past making out, no man has ever seen me completely naked...I think you get the point. I'm a virgin by choice. I want to save myself for my husband. I want to give him something that no other man on Earth has ever had. I want to give him all of me, with all my vulnerability, my scars, cellulite, but also all of my love that's been waiting for him in order to be most completely expressed. How can I even blog about men when I have no knowledge of men? I guess that's why I'm SW- Still Waiting. I want to write about how hard it can be sometimes (as well as rewarding) to try to keep my virginity in my 20's while dating, how heartbreaking it is when I am dumped because I "wouldn't put out" (which, by the way, has happened too many times), and how even through all that, I'm Still Waiting... I often lose hope of ever finding a man who knows all this about me, but is still willing to be in a relationship with me...who understands and respects that I want to save myself for my husband, or, in the "very least", for someone who I fall head-over-heels in love with. However, I also fear telling a man about the latter option, because I am afraid that he might tell me he loves me & be an incredible boyfriend just so that I'd start to believe him (and knowing me, I would) and fall in love and give myself to him. Haha, am I too pessimistic? I guess that my past experiences with cheating, lying "boyfriends" have made me this way...

Well anyways, until I get married, no more queen bed for me.

Love as a Paradox

How can I move on when I miss him everyday?
Or...
Am I missing him because I haven't moved on?

Love Always,
LL

Questions

Why is it that certain people get under your skin and stays there?
Is it because there is a sense of unfinished business? Or is it because you never wanted them out in the first place?
How is it possible that you can think about someone 24/7 when they never have a single thought about you in their day?
When are you ever ready, to move on from your past relationships? Where does that push come from? Is it due to loneliness? fear? Or all of the above?
And how can you move on when you let the person that you thought was perfect for you go? Aren't you suppose to move up the ladder and find someone that's better than the one before? If he was at the top of your ladder, what else is there? Who else is there?
And when do you give up trying to get over someone and just call it a day. Trapped in a bubble of your own making.

Love Always,
LL

Loneliness

I hate admitting this outloud, but there's this sense of loneliness I've been feeling recently that a friend, school, and work can't seem to fill.

The other night, a male friend came over and hung out. He ended up staying over and sleeping on my twin bed with me. Nothing happened, nor will it ever, but it just made me realized even more how I wished it was someone I had romantic feelings for that was sleeping beside me and not just a friend.

I haven't felt lonely in a very long time, and I don't know why it's hitting me so hard this time around. There's just something about coming home after work or class to an empty, and dark apartment with nothing to really look forward to.

I miss the anticipation and companionship that only someone you like can bring.

Love Always,
LL

I (don't) have a dream.

I think I'm going through an early-life crisis.

I was watching a documentary about these boys who were going through intense traning sessions and auditions to be a part of a boy band. All of them were younger than me, but they were so sure of what they wanted to do in life. One of the boys said that he didn't even need a home. He just needed a place to rest his head and a place to practice dancing and singing. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to become something that badly. I watched another documentary about a Korean soccer player who knew that his dream was to play on the Korean team ever since he was 8. He achieved this dream, played impeccably well during the World Cup, and he now plays on Manchester United.

I've read books and articles on following your dream and your passion, but what do you do when you don't have a dream?

Do I just try out anything and everything? But our resources, especially time, is limited...painfully limited.

I know what I don't want to do...is that a good start?

I know that I have a purpose in this world, just like everyone else. I know that I exist for a reason. I know that I will make history, just like everyone else. ( I believe that everyone makes history in one way or another, small or big.)... but I get so impatient whenever I read stories about my classmates or other people my age who are already doing great things for the community.

Sorry for just rambling on and on, but it's coming straight from my heart.

With love, faith and hope,

SW