And so, I grew some balls...

I don't know if it's growing balls if I downed a couple shots of gin before I had our 'talk.'
Well, it was more like him talking and me listening to what he had to say. No wait, it was more like him telling me things I already knew from the very beginning and me sitting there letting it all sink in. I knew that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew that he was not ready to commit. These are things I knew and still know. Just like how I know one can never change a man. But yet..I went against all instincts and followed my emotions. My heart has gotten me into trouble one too many times. I guess you can never change a woman either.

I asked myself why? Why did I still get close to him when I had never really gotten over him in the first place? Why did I let myself get comfortable? Why didn't I snip this at the bud when I had the chance? Why did I think...I could actually change his mind about relationships? Why did I think I was the one who he can see himself with? Why did I think I was the exception?

For once, I just want my heart and my brain to agree with each other. What I know does not correlate with how I feel. It never has. I wonder if it ever will. I guess it's true that every girl wants to be the one that can change the guy.

I'm angry with myself for not being smarter. For going against my instincts and...for foreshadowing that this would eventually happen. I wanted to prove myself wrong, I wanted to prove that...maybe happy endings don't just happen on the big screen. Now I don't know what to feel. I tell myself and others that I don't know how to feel, but I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of facing my true feelings about all of this. So if I don't know, I won't have to deal with it. If I don't know, maybe our chapters 1 and 2 might stand a chance for a 3rd chapter. Although my head is telling me it should end now, my heart disagrees. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.

Love Always,
LL

Apparently history DOES repeats itself...

I re-read old msn conversations with SW the other day from a year ago and the funny thing is, we're still discussing the same problems with men a year later.
Same problems, different characters.
Unfortunately for me, I have the same problems with the same character.
2 years ago I had a blog on xanga, and I wrote about my break-up routine:

Staying up till the break of dawn, sleeping till sunset, 'midnight' snacks at 4am, cleaning my room, changing my hair, updating xanga, and watching seasons after seasons of Sex and the City.
That, is my break-up routine.
So here I am, at 4:23 in the morning, updating xanga since the last horrible fight, deli ham eaten at exactly 3:30am and still wide awake. With my Sex-and-the-City-filled-head still unchanged due to my lack of funds, I find myself sitting in a very messy room.And I can't help but think, if I clean this room, then it'd really be over. And I'm going to have to move on no matter how much I scream and shout.

My relationships always seems to go downhill everytime I start watching Sex and the City again. I'm starting to think it's cursed. This time is no different. I was actually a bit hesistant in pressing play, but I proved myself right. I think...? How can something be over when it's never really began in the first place?
I used to want to be like the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, I think everyone who watched the show did. Being in the big city, dressing in labels, meeting men at trendy hotspots. But when I think about it, I don't want to still search for love when I'm in my 30s. When I was still in my teens, being in your 20s seemed like such a big jump. But now that I'm in my early 20s, I still feel like a kid at heart and I don't know when I'll ever feel grown up.
I mean, I'm still talking about the same problems with guys I had when I was 18! When do the problems start changing? Will it ever really change?

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I suppose that's how I feel right now. All over the place. I'm all over the place because I don't really know how to feel exactly. This has happened to us a year ago, it's not really a break up back then and it's not a break up now, we didn't talk about us back then and we didn't talk about us now, we never got closure back then and we're not getting closure now. I really don't want history to repeat itself but it sure feels like it's heading that way. The only difference is we both tried a little bit harder than before, just not hard enough. I know I should just talk about it with him, but I can't seem to bring myself to. So I do what I do best, I run away. Perhaps I always have the same problems because I never deal with them any differently. I guess it's time for me to grow up a little...
...or at least grow some balls.

Love always,
LL

Perfectly Imperfect

I get cranky when people wake me up from naps. I am always the first one to finish my meal at the table. I can be completely selfish at times and I can act like a brat. I can be inconsiderate and I can be blunt. I can be a bitch when you annoy me and I can be scary when you offend me. I've hung up on friends when they pissed me off and I've purposely screened calls when I want to be alone. I can be lazy and I can be messy. I spill and I break. I am not a perfectionist and I am not organized. I am not the smartest and I am not the prettiest. I've cheated before and I've broken hearts. My grades are not great and I am scared for the future. My hair gets frizzy and it never stays straight. I always have a tuft here and there. My face is not symmetrical and my teeth are not straight. My skin gets oily and I have blemishes. My lips gets dry and my nail polish is always chipped. My stomach is pudgy and I have cellulite on my thighs. My shoes are always scuffed and my whites are never that white. My socks have holes on them and they are sometimes mismatched. I always manage to have some sort of stain on my clothes. My shirts are always wrinkled and I never iron. No matter how hard I try, I can not carry a cup and walk at the same time without spilling something on myself. I don't have curves and my face turns red when I drink. At certain angles, you can see my double chin. My thighs are too long for my legs and my arms are too long for my body. My wrists are too small for bracelets and my feet are too small for shoes. These are my flaws and I love myself regardless.

But when I start to question, "What is wrong with me?" because of a guy, then something is definitely wrong.

Love Always,
LL

Opposite Sexpinions

I had convinced my crush (?) man-interest (?) guy I've sorta been seeing (?) labeless boy to watch He's Just Not That Into You because I wanted his opinion on the movie from a guy's perspective. I didn't ask my guy friends because I've come to realize that a lot of my boys are quite girly in their thinking process. It's not a bad thing, but I wanted a man's man's opinion. Someone with an ego, someone who's had experience, and someone who's not afraid to tell me the truth.

I had told him that the movie makes it seem like there could only be one of two scenarios. Either he's into you or he's not. I asked whether that was true and he said, "No, it's more complicated than that." Whew. So ladies, there's hope after all! Men do have depth! They're not just simple, mindless creatures that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of us! ...Or were they?

We then went onto talking about relationships (not ours, never ours cause God forbids) and he gave me a scenario. "Say a couple were on a break and the girl gets sick. Her guy friend goes over and takes care of her, should she get mad at her boyfriend?"
And I answered, "Logically, no. But as a girl, yes."
He laughed and said, "Good answer."
I then go on to explaining myself, the way I see it is, if a mere friend is willing to go that extra mile to take care of me, a boyfriend should be able to do the same even though we are on a break. He was in awe and said, "Wow, you broke that down micro level. As a guy, we just see it as 'we are on a break' and we have to honour that."
Hmm...maybe they don't have depth all.

But perhaps in an even more micro level, it's not just a matter of opposite sexpinions. Maybe it depends on each individual regardless of gender. Like I said, I have many guy friends with a female state of mind. And sometimes I know I think like a male.
So the lesson for today is: You should always try to be considerate and put yourself in someone else's shoes and it certainly never hurts to think like a guy either. I mean, to us, they may be simple, mindless creatures. But to them, we could be complicated, mindful beings that were put onto this Earth to frusturate the hell out of them, and that's always fun to be. :)

Love Always,
LL

Reality Slap

Hmm... I think I'm setting myself up for something that has the potential to break me down. I'm not ready for that again. I'm still licking my wounds from before.
I wonder what my next step should be...
I believe it's time for me to practice some self-control. Maybe get some answers? Maybe have a serious talk?
My heart can't always want what it wants right?

Or maybe I'm just pms-ing.

Love Always,
LL