No more queen

...bed.

I've always slept on a single bed, until last week. I just moved into a fully-furnished bachelor suite in the heart of downtown. Getting a queen size bed was exciting at first- more room to roll around while I sleep, and in the words of LL, more room to lay out my clothes, laptop, etc. However, it's making me really lonely. Every time I lie down to sleep, I can't help but wish that a man who I love and who loves me is lying next to me. Without that man, the bed feels so big and there is just not enough of me to fill my bed or my heart. Of course, I would never say this to a man. I'd seem too "needy." Well, I am. I get lonely. I need and want someone to be with me when I feel so unsettled in almost every aspect of my life.

That got me thinking that I wish I had a cuddling buddy. Not a fuck buddy, but a cuddling buddy. A (cute) man who I can call upon on a night like this to come and cuddle me to sleep. Why not a fuck buddy? Well, I'm a virgin. A hard-core virgin- I have never seen a penis, I have never gone past making out, no man has ever seen me completely naked...I think you get the point. I'm a virgin by choice. I want to save myself for my husband. I want to give him something that no other man on Earth has ever had. I want to give him all of me, with all my vulnerability, my scars, cellulite, but also all of my love that's been waiting for him in order to be most completely expressed. How can I even blog about men when I have no knowledge of men? I guess that's why I'm SW- Still Waiting. I want to write about how hard it can be sometimes (as well as rewarding) to try to keep my virginity in my 20's while dating, how heartbreaking it is when I am dumped because I "wouldn't put out" (which, by the way, has happened too many times), and how even through all that, I'm Still Waiting... I often lose hope of ever finding a man who knows all this about me, but is still willing to be in a relationship with me...who understands and respects that I want to save myself for my husband, or, in the "very least", for someone who I fall head-over-heels in love with. However, I also fear telling a man about the latter option, because I am afraid that he might tell me he loves me & be an incredible boyfriend just so that I'd start to believe him (and knowing me, I would) and fall in love and give myself to him. Haha, am I too pessimistic? I guess that my past experiences with cheating, lying "boyfriends" have made me this way...

Well anyways, until I get married, no more queen bed for me.