Apparently history DOES repeats itself...

I re-read old msn conversations with SW the other day from a year ago and the funny thing is, we're still discussing the same problems with men a year later.
Same problems, different characters.
Unfortunately for me, I have the same problems with the same character.
2 years ago I had a blog on xanga, and I wrote about my break-up routine:

Staying up till the break of dawn, sleeping till sunset, 'midnight' snacks at 4am, cleaning my room, changing my hair, updating xanga, and watching seasons after seasons of Sex and the City.
That, is my break-up routine.
So here I am, at 4:23 in the morning, updating xanga since the last horrible fight, deli ham eaten at exactly 3:30am and still wide awake. With my Sex-and-the-City-filled-head still unchanged due to my lack of funds, I find myself sitting in a very messy room.And I can't help but think, if I clean this room, then it'd really be over. And I'm going to have to move on no matter how much I scream and shout.

My relationships always seems to go downhill everytime I start watching Sex and the City again. I'm starting to think it's cursed. This time is no different. I was actually a bit hesistant in pressing play, but I proved myself right. I think...? How can something be over when it's never really began in the first place?
I used to want to be like the 4 ladies of Sex and the City, I think everyone who watched the show did. Being in the big city, dressing in labels, meeting men at trendy hotspots. But when I think about it, I don't want to still search for love when I'm in my 30s. When I was still in my teens, being in your 20s seemed like such a big jump. But now that I'm in my early 20s, I still feel like a kid at heart and I don't know when I'll ever feel grown up.
I mean, I'm still talking about the same problems with guys I had when I was 18! When do the problems start changing? Will it ever really change?

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I suppose that's how I feel right now. All over the place. I'm all over the place because I don't really know how to feel exactly. This has happened to us a year ago, it's not really a break up back then and it's not a break up now, we didn't talk about us back then and we didn't talk about us now, we never got closure back then and we're not getting closure now. I really don't want history to repeat itself but it sure feels like it's heading that way. The only difference is we both tried a little bit harder than before, just not hard enough. I know I should just talk about it with him, but I can't seem to bring myself to. So I do what I do best, I run away. Perhaps I always have the same problems because I never deal with them any differently. I guess it's time for me to grow up a little...
...or at least grow some balls.

Love always,
LL