And so, I grew some balls...

I don't know if it's growing balls if I downed a couple shots of gin before I had our 'talk.'
Well, it was more like him talking and me listening to what he had to say. No wait, it was more like him telling me things I already knew from the very beginning and me sitting there letting it all sink in. I knew that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I knew that he was not ready to commit. These are things I knew and still know. Just like how I know one can never change a man. But yet..I went against all instincts and followed my emotions. My heart has gotten me into trouble one too many times. I guess you can never change a woman either.

I asked myself why? Why did I still get close to him when I had never really gotten over him in the first place? Why did I let myself get comfortable? Why didn't I snip this at the bud when I had the chance? Why did I think...I could actually change his mind about relationships? Why did I think I was the one who he can see himself with? Why did I think I was the exception?

For once, I just want my heart and my brain to agree with each other. What I know does not correlate with how I feel. It never has. I wonder if it ever will. I guess it's true that every girl wants to be the one that can change the guy.

I'm angry with myself for not being smarter. For going against my instincts and...for foreshadowing that this would eventually happen. I wanted to prove myself wrong, I wanted to prove that...maybe happy endings don't just happen on the big screen. Now I don't know what to feel. I tell myself and others that I don't know how to feel, but I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of facing my true feelings about all of this. So if I don't know, I won't have to deal with it. If I don't know, maybe our chapters 1 and 2 might stand a chance for a 3rd chapter. Although my head is telling me it should end now, my heart disagrees. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.

Love Always,
LL