Not some decoration on your fucking arm.

After I said good night to LL on MSN, I went to take a quick leak before bed.
Alas, who do I see? My gentleman. You know, just hanging out with his friends on my floor.
I had washed my face (a.k.a. no make up), I was in my PJs and well, ready for bed at 4 a.m. for my 9 a.m. class.

It was still good to see him and I loved that I was totally comfortable with showing him exactly how I look before bed. When he saw me during the day, I was dressed to kill and had full make-up on. He has to know that a girl doesn't and cannot look like that all the time.

He was telling me about some fight that happened with the guys on my floor, blah blah and eventually came back to my room.
He then began to tell me about some problem that he was having as an executive in one of the clubs that he is involved in. Then he stopped himself mid-sentence and implied that it was a topic that is too complicated for me. And I quote "nevermind, it's too complicated." NO, I'm not overreacting, overanalyzing nor am I falsely accusing him. This is the third time that he has brushed off a conversation mid-sentence because he judged that it was either too boring or complicated for me. Another example of this is when we met up after our class and he invited me to come sit in in his class with him since I was done for the day. Then he said, "nevermind. It would be too boring for you." Needless to say, he did not get a goodnight kiss last night. When he leaned in, I turned my cheek.

I am not going to lie, he is a good catch. As much as he is a gentleman, he is also extremely well-read and ridiculously intelligent. So far, we haven't had any intellectual chats, just small, light chats...and he hasn't seen a serious side of me, just the happy & cheerful me. That makes me wonder how he can like me beyond my physical appearance. Does he even like me? Am I just a decoration he wants on his arm to show off? (Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that I'm a hot ass because I'm not. BUT, I know that I'm not ugly either. I present myself well.)

I cannot help but feel inferior, self-conscious and dumb when I'm with him...scared that he'll bring up some topic that I know nothing about. What I'm most irritated about is wondering exactly how long this light chatting thing can go on. I know that he needs someone who can intellectually stimulate him in the areas that he is passionate about. I'm not that girl.

When I was in high school (which is the last time I ever had a "relationship"), this kind of thing didn't matter. We didn't care. But things are different now. I'm in my 20's. I need to learn to adapt.

So, just like any other opposite sexperiences, I have learned a couple lessons:
1. He is not the only man who'll make me feel this way. There're so many subjects and topics that I don't know much about. I cannot allow myself to feel inferior every time I meet a smarter man. I need to read more and develop my own areas of expertise. It doesn't have to be the same as his because every man that I meet will have different interests...so I have to really dig into subjects that I am passionate about...like philanthropy, classical music, religion (especially Christianity), travelling, adventure tourisim, event management, social justice, human rights and health/fitness to name a few. It really wouldn't hurt to skim through some politics either...(*barf* at the thought of reading about politics.)
2. Since I am wishing to be liked just as I am and for WHO I am, not WHAT I look like or WHAT I represent, I need to do the same for the guys that I meet.

Like and respect me just the way I am. I am so imperfect in every way possible, but I'm still lovable.

Don't go changing, try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore

I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

If a man told me all or even a part of this and really meant it, I'd give my all to him.

With love, faith and hope,

SW