Labels&Love

I used to be one of those girls who needed a label to define a relationship. I used to be one of those girls who needed a label to feel security, and I honestly thought I was always going to be that girl. But recently, I found myself in a label-less, define-less, and expectation-less relationship. How it happened? I have no idea. Am I okay with it? I have no idea.

I tell myself that as long as I'm happy in the present, I'm fine. I realized I've stopped looking too far into the future when I'm with him. I don't daydream about future dates or expect anything from him. I don't expect gifts to be given on holidays, I don't expect meals to be paid for when we go out and I don't expect my hand to be held when we walk down the street together. As I'm typing this, I realize how sad that really sounds. I wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I wonder how long I can last just thinking about us one week at a time.

It feels like the older you get, the less direct men are towards you. Everything becomes a big question mark, everything becomes wishy-washy. I remember a time when it was simple and straightforward. The question "Will you go out with me?" will stamp you and your boy as an official couple. Exclusive. Only you and him. I miss those days.

By being complete females, we question our status when things get serious with a certain guy we like. Where do we stand? What are we? How much does he like me? and the number one question that bugs me the most is, "How much should I allow myself to show him I care?" Because pre-relationship is the most important game that needs to be played, and played well. Everything is strategized, game plans are drawn up, outfits are planned 2 weeks ahead of time and you hold back. The ball goes back and forth between the 2 courts and if you're lucky, the ball can stay in your court for a very long time. I've always been the lucky one. I've been blessed with meeting amazing guys that cared for, and liked me more than I had liked them. And for the first time ever, the tables have turned. I'm not sure how I should be handling it. On one hand, I can guard myself and play it very casual and non chalant. However, I'd be lying to my heart and to him, scared to show how much I actually cared. On the other hand, I've never been the type of girl to give it 50%, I'm an all-or-nothing kinda girl. And as great as that sounds, if the other person doesn't feel the same way it is very easy to scare them away. One wrong move and poof. Gone.

As much as I like him and how out of my element this is. I'm surprised with how...fine I feel in regards to our situation. I find myself wondering why I'm not angry. Angry for him having all the benefits of a relationship, without the baggage. Angry for me being exclusive only to him, and I don't really know if he is towards me. Angry that the ball is in his court. Angry that I don't have "Girlfriend Rights" to know where he is, or angry that he can potentially be seeing somebody else without my knowledge and I wouldn't really have the rights to know about it. But I really don't care.

Althought I'm still young and probably still very naive, I'm just so sick of relationship games. I just want to be completely real and vulnerable. I don't need a label, I just want to feel secure. I've had my fair share of games, I've been a relationship whore, I've whipped guys, I've dated around and I've played around with people's feelings. I'm not proud of that stage, but I'm glad I experienced it and finally figured out that that's not who I want to become. I'm happy that I'm a monogamous and I think it's about time I lay my heart on the line, especially with someone I feel deeply connected to. I don't ever want to hold back again.

But I wonder if it's possible to feel security without having the label. Perhaps I've never stopped being that girl.
Cause just like a designer bag, no girl wants to carry a fake in her arm.

Love Always,
LL