Has anyone seen my Sass Whip?

A close guy friend of mine once told me that all guys liked to be whipped. I wonder if it's true. He told me that if I wanted to keep my current man interested, I gotta whip him just a bit. Now I'm not new to this whipping business, in fact, I use to pride myself in this skill that not a lot of girls can master. I don't know how it happened, but I've seemed to have lost my touch. In fact, the tables have completely turned. I find myself going out of my way to see him no matter how busy I am. I receive one text message and I'm there. I plan his birthday a month ahead of time. I'm doing things I would never normally do for a guy, but I guess that's how you can tell when you really like someone. You don't always have an explanation for your actions. My friend knew what I was like in the past and we're both wondering the same thing. This is not the same girl I once was, so where on Earth did I leave my Sass Whip? Let's take a moment and look back shall we?

My highschool sweetheart was of course, a sweetheart. Back then, I was the most hopeless hopeless romantic there ever was. I indulged in love songs, romantic movies, korean dramas and romance novels to satisfy my love-cravings. I wanted someone to love, someone who loved me, and someone who would love us. I wanted to show affectionate gestures, plan special dates and celebrate anniversaries. And I found someone. Now we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. To be honest, we didn't really like each other when we first met. Ironically enough, I've always wanted to be the girl in those movies who hated a guy at first but then fall deeply in love. He did everything for me. Expensive gifts, nice meals out, calling me every night, visiting me at school regardless of how tired he was, ditching his friends to be with me, pretty much everything I wanted, I got. He would go out of his way to make me happy, even if I was being completely unreasonable. I had known quite early on that I always had the upper hand in that relationship. Perhaps I used it to my advantage, now don't get me wrong, I really did like him, but not to the extent he felt about me. And like all good things in life it eventually turned sour, ending in me breaking his heart and the words "I spoiled you like a fucken princess" coming out of his mouth.

Yes we did tell each other those 3 words, and I suppose I meant them at the time. But my philosophy is, if you had really fallen in love with someone back then, you can look back on it now and still know that you had loved them once upon a time ago. When I look back on this, I just don't feel like I did. I think I was too caught up with him being my first real boyfriend, and too caught up with being in love with love.

Entering university was exhilerating. New people, new environment, new freedom. I was single and ready to mingle and perhaps I entered with my head bigger than it was in highschool. I wanted to try new things, meet new people and gain new expriences. I believe everyone goes through a phase where they just want to date around and be casual. This was during that time of my phase, but a certain guy wouldn't let me have it. I have never met anyone as persistent as he was, and he wanted me. It's nice to be wanted.

I did everything I could to brush him off but eventually I fell, and I fell hard. This whole relationship can be summed up into 3 words: An Unexpected Rollercoaster. From the time he started liking me to when we broke up, it was all completely unexpected. It felt like he squeezed himself into my life without my permission, and I fell for it. Now if you think my first boyfriend did everything for me, this one did more. 100x more. Cooked, cleaned, paid for every single meal, drove me back and forth from uptown to downtown, you name it, he did it. The worse part is I never appreciated it until I lost it. I've never showed appreciation for him period. I was a crazy demanding girlfriend with a different mood every few hours resulting in him telling one of my suitemates "She's crazy, I love it!" I've always been suspicious to why he put up with it, it can't just be because he liked me that much can it? I refused to believe it. There must've been some hidden meaning behind his nice gestures. It was too good to be true! That's the thing with being a girl, you overanalyze every little thing until you ruin it for yourself in the end.

When I finally realized I had a good thing going, it was too late. And just like that, my heart was broken into a billion pieces. There is nothing like your first real heartbreak. It caught me by surprise because I expected him to at least want to try one last time especially after the rollercoaster we've been through, and the emotional baggage we've never seemed to be able to let go of. I desperately wanted him to know that I'm done making stupid mistakes, I'm done playing games, and I've learnt my lessons. But people eventually get fed up and sometimes you learn that the best solution is to just go your seperate ways instead of being stuck in a hole you've dug up for yourself. You see, this break up was a defining moment in my life. It changed me into who I had become today. The night we ended things was the night my walls crumbled down, my dignity gone, my pride bursted, my heart wide opened, and I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. Although it has been 2 years since then, the smallest details has become forgotten but I'll never forget the tears falling, the begging, and the long ride home listening to 4 in the morning by Gwen Stefani.
I know I had loved him back then. Even now, I still know.

I did not give my heart enough time for a real deserved rest. I was ready after a month to get back out there, but I wanted nothing serious. This was when my second phase started. I wanted to play around again, I missed having company, and I subconsciously wanted to prove to him that men still wanted me as stupid as that sounds. I was not use to being single again and I finally understood why people jump from relationship to relationship. But the funny thing is, it all felt so meaningless. There was no substance, no connection, just physical attraction. That just wasn't enough for me. I wanted something more, I wanted what I had before.

And then he strolled along...
Although I knew from the beginning that he was interested in me, I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I wanted to be sure that I liked him for the right reasons and his persistent behaviours reminded me of an ex which was comforting in a weird way. He was a bit awkward, uncomfortable, and inexperienced. But he was sweet, caring and had a strong bond with his family, which I didn't know was an important quality in a man until I met him. I looked past the physical aspects and saw deep into his values. It's funny how personality can make someone appear more attractive in your eyes. This time around, with all my past experiences gathered, my lessons all bundled up in my head, I was cool, calm, and collected. I was no longer the demanding, bitchy, moody girlfriend, but the sass was still there, just not as magnified. I think in a way, I thought that even though the sassy persona can hook the guy and keep him interested for awhile, it doesn't last forever. Eventually, they all get sick of the high-maintenance girl who wants everything her way.

I knew from the beginning that he has never fallen in love, or have had a long-term relationship for that matter. I knew that we were on completely different levels. I knew that I couldn't come on too strong because it would overwhelm him. I knew that I would have to be extra patient with him, for him to learn the ropes of being a boyfriend. I knew that I've never been a patient person, but for him, I gave it a shot. For a short time, I saw a definite future with him. But that definite future I saw blinded me from what my original expectations were. It wasn't okay for us to talk only once a week. It wasn't okay for him to make plans with me on the day of, every single time. And it wasn't okay that he didn't see anything wrong with our communication. I knew that I wouldn't have tolerated this back then, and it was at that moment I realized how far I've come from before.

Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to speak her mind? Where was that girl who wasn't afraid to get her way? Where was that girl who always set out to get what she wants? Where on Earth did she leave her Sass Whip?
And now I know.
I left it the night I got my heart broken.

Love Always,
LL